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See the ten minutes just before you go to sleep when you're lying in bed thinking of random shit, that's where your best tweets live.
I love a woman with a sensitive prostate.
Children are a lot like cellphones; If you've lost one & haven't been able to find it in a day or two, chances are it's dead.
Fat girls put deodorant under their tits...
Pass it on...
Sometimes when I steal my neighbor's newspaper, I leave behind the one that I took from the day before. Does that make me a hero? Probably.
It's International Women's Day and have we got a surprise for YOU!
WE'VE ALL SYNCHED OUR PERIODS!
sometimes i wish my kids had been just another stain on the matress
You're gonna want to take your teeth out for this one
I like going to adult movie theaters and yelling "MY GOD! THAT'S SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER!" when the guy cums on her face.
Whats stopping us from getting married oh right you're a chicken nugget
My favorite is masturbating in the women's bathroom while looking aimlessly at bloody tampons.
If you get any smarter I may have to unfollow you.
I put "the rap" in therapy.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Men just stop trying to figure us out. You're wasting precious time. Go have a beer.
I don't send dick pics.
I mail cock molds.
Racism is terrible! Unless it is against other white people, and then it's fucking hilarious, crackers!
i always carry a 9 iron so i can make the ladies weak at knees.
Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.
Yes I think cats are cute but I'm not swerving my car for them.
The strippers on the morning shift here are not attractive, I feel like a tampon. In a wonderful place at the wrong fucking time.