See the ten minutes just before you go to sleep when you're lying in bed thinking of random shit, that's where your best tweets live.

I love a woman with a sensitive prostate.

Children are a lot like cellphones; If you've lost one & haven't been able to find it in a day or two, chances are it's dead.

Fat girls put deodorant under their tits...

Pass it on...

Sometimes when I steal my neighbor's newspaper, I leave behind the one that I took from the day before. Does that make me a hero? Probably.

It's International Women's Day and have we got a surprise for YOU!

WE'VE ALL SYNCHED OUR PERIODS!

Next time I finish taking a shit I'm gonna scream out FINISHED, and wait for someone to come wipe my arse.

sometimes i wish my kids had been just another stain on the matress

You're gonna want to take your teeth out for this one

I like going to adult movie theaters and yelling "MY GOD! THAT'S SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER!" when the guy cums on her face.

Whats stopping us from getting married oh right you're a chicken nugget

My favorite is masturbating in the women's bathroom while looking aimlessly at bloody tampons.

If you get any smarter I may have to unfollow you.

I put "the rap" in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Men just stop trying to figure us out. You're wasting precious time. Go have a beer.

I don't send dick pics.

I mail cock molds.

Racism is terrible! Unless it is against other white people, and then it's fucking hilarious, crackers!

i always carry a 9 iron so i can make the ladies weak at knees.

Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.

Yes I think cats are cute but I'm not swerving my car for them.