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When breaking up with your first boyfriend/girlfriend, it helps to say "you'll always be the answer to my online banking security question."
What's a good anniversary gift if you're married to the sea?
Based on the sounds coming out of the weight room at the Y someone's either lifting weights or the Incredible Hulk is getting raped in there
Sure-fire sobriety test: did you just take a picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror of a bar? If yes, you're hammered.
WORLD'S MOST EVIL PEOPLE:
1) Kim Jong Un
2) Guy in front of me at the grocery store paying with a check
3) Darth Vader
Saw a homeless guy doing push-ups on Highland Blvd last night. I never thought I'd work out less than a hobo, but here we are.
You know what they should put next to those paint sample cards at Home Depot? Divorce paperwork.
Waiters: unless I’m wearing a crown and cape, just assume I want tap water.
Kanye West impregnated Kim Kardashian and I've never been happier my joke-writing job is on hiatus this week.
Bringing fried chicken burgers into the gay marriage debate is the most American thing we could have done #chikfila #type2diabetes #USA #USA
Ok now my neighbors are playing their second favorite game: "1:30 Shouty Drink."
If you guys keep dreaming, you too can do an improv show at 11:45 at night where a teenage girl loudly says "I don't get any of these jokes"
Remember: no matter how hard your work, Snooki will always be richer than you.
There's a lot of sand and heat at the beach but at least you get sun burned and feel bad about your body!
"The finale of The Office" would be a very positive way to say you got fired from your job.
"Lincoln" was pretty good, but I want to see a movie about Abraham Linkedin, the inventor of that job website I will never use.
WebMD freak out of the night: I have strep throat and/or scurvy.
I am a staff writer for the Jimmy Kimmel Live television program. My hobbies include performing live comedy and worrying about things.