I asked @fthc what song he hates most in the world. He responded with a universally beloved song. I like his style. http://t.co/RbECBJdF

If you're a little chubby, is it shirts with vertical or horizontal stripes that you're not supposed to eat?

"how to fight depression"
"how to fight a bear"
"do bears get depressed?"
"how to fight a depressed bear"
--my Google search history

I'm planning a long romantic weekend. Just the two of us--me and these Scarlett Johansson pictures.

Quick question: Do I need to bring my own diploma to someone's graduation party? I have a similar question about a briss.

If you look at Ice Cube's career in reverse, he's a man who was so angered by awful family comedies that he went into gangsta rap.

If a cute waitress puts a smiley face on my check, what's the protocol on tipping/waiting underneath her car in the parking lot?

Thinking of my ex girlfriends tonight and how they all died in that freak ex girlfriend fire.

On a scale of 1 to 10, my math skills are aardvark!

Keep your friends close and your enemies all chopped up in a metal box in the attic's crawl space.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, orange men and women are from New Jersey.

@glenn_howerton Found this #SunnyFX article from 2006 randomly. Funny how remarkably off it was in hindsight. http://t.co/581TNweW

It's crazy that Girl Scout Cookies only cost $5 when I'd gladly be willing to kill my whole family for a box of Tagalongs.

Rick Perry has dropped out of the race to spend more time executing people, badmouthing gays, and uh...oh boy, what's the third thing? Oops.

Sometimes people tell me I'm like a broken record. I'm assuming they mean the record for greatest living human because I broke that.

According to my Trivial Pursuit rulebook, you don't win until you flip the board, use the c-word, and tell your friends to get the fuck out.

"My fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé my fiancé" -engaged people

Just saw a street performer playing a Red Hot Chili Peppers song. Am I allowed to take a dollar from him?

MOVIE IDEA: It begins by throwing Anne Hathaway down an elevator shaft. Then we go get the cameras and stuff and start filming a movie.

🏠👫👫👯👫
✈
🏠🙇
🙆🚌✈
🔫💂👴
👮
💑
🏠👫👫👯👫
🎄🎅🎄
(That's the plot of Home Alone)