Uncle Ruslan is approaching the boat and removing his belt.

Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends. JUST LIKE HITLER.

Stand-up comedians should not wish ill on @charliesheen's tour. He's drawing away the audience that none of us wanted.

Your blood is red due to iron content. Iron can only be made in the nuclear core of a star. #marsroverlanding #fuckyeamars #slightlydrunk

I miss being 8 years old. Those salad days when Transformers didn't embarrass me as a concept and @dennisdmz sounded smart.

My full length CD "Tendrils of Ruin" has been announced by AST Records. Nerds, please help spread my miasma. http://t.co/5j5rRbrg

.@pattonoswalt "That liberal media is taking me out of context. They sniff out drama and hook onto it. They have a big, hooked nose." #palin

The FBI is backing down as Uncle Ruslan kicks the boat and creates a perimeter of shame.

Uncle Ruslan is spitting into the boat. Now he is carving something in the side of the boat with a knife... it reads "S. S. LOSER."

Maurice Sendak was the kind of brutally pure creative mind that could crush Colbert. In a fun way. http://t.co/zAKCbeyB http://t.co/pPsondHg

My sympathies to the family of any celebrity who has died during the age of Twitter.

LA is what you'd expect. I saw a man in a full Chaplin costume sitting and weeping on Taco Bell's lawn. Just like in all the coloring books.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit. Their symphonic culture was annihilated in your stomach, acids stripping the flesh from their tiny hands.

I'm REALLY trying to break into TV writing. Please read this House M.D. spec. Is it in the voice of the show? Thanks!! http://t.co/Sd9xeudN

Watchin the balls offa some DOWNTON ABBEY. Eroding class systems all up in this BITCH, Maggie Smith don't give a FUCK.

Never stop following your dreams, because one day your dreams will figure it out while trying to Direct Message you.

A lovely moment amidst the horrors in Oklahoma, a woman finds her lost dog during a TV interview (via my dad):  http://news.sky.com/story/1093711/tornado-survivor-finds-dog-during-tv-interview …

The new Sim City sounds fascinatingly realistic. Especially the part where the whole world is tethered to a dead God.

If Romney had a daughter he'd A) be pro-women's rights B) Laura Palmer's dad on Twin Peaks. The latter kinda cancels out the former.

At a children's party. Fans of @pattonoswalt will appreciate this bit of ambience. http://t.co/CZXLBc8K