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Being a human is total fucking bullshit.
I'd rather have sweet abs and lots of dogs than talk to real life people.
I was just so confused and overwhelmed by my uterus. I put "Please fill me with babies" as a write-in. Then I cried on the ballot.
My tombstone will one day read, "Here lies a weird dog lady who could put down some serious watermelon."
Tweet and Retweet were in a boat. Tweet fell out. Who was left?
Then I find out he has a girlfriend and put my hair back up scornfully.
Lying down in bed just now I audibly said "Oh yeah!" to myself. So awkward. #foreveralone
Someone just set a baked banana full of melted chocolate pieces in front of me. I accept that as a marriage proposal.
I always tell people I just have a cat to entertain me but I decided yesterday that I love her.
Kind of sexting someone and autocorrect changes "Oooh" to "poopbox." No explanation for that but fortunately i fixed it before sending.
I wish there was an app that always snapped a mid-air action shot of my stupid face right as I accidentally drop my phone on it.
If I see one more heart-shaped food item on instagram or any other social media you're all gonna die.
Yes I just spilled ranch dressing on a vinyl chair and called my dog to clean it up.
I want coffee. I need coffee. I would kill you for your coffee.
If you say something is "better than sex" I am going to judge your sex life so hard.
You can watch MY balls drop, baby.
When I'm rich I'm going to have a vault of foster puppies and when I am distressed I'm going to swim around in them like Scrooge McDuck.
To everyone: I probably like your dog more than I like you.