Being a human is total fucking bullshit.

I'd rather have sweet abs and lots of dogs than talk to real life people.

It's only 7pm. All I've done today is have brunch and go to the gym. Now all I want to do is watch porn in bed. #blamedaylightsavingstime.

I was just so confused and overwhelmed by my uterus. I put "Please fill me with babies" as a write-in. Then I cried on the ballot.

My tombstone will one day read, "Here lies a weird dog lady who could put down some serious watermelon."

Tweet and Retweet were in a boat. Tweet fell out. Who was left?

Then I find out he has a girlfriend and put my hair back up scornfully.

Lying down in bed just now I audibly said "Oh yeah!" to myself. So awkward. #foreveralone

Someone just set a baked banana full of melted chocolate pieces in front of me. I accept that as a marriage proposal.

I always tell people I just have a cat to entertain me but I decided yesterday that I love her.

Kind of sexting someone and autocorrect changes "Oooh" to "poopbox." No explanation for that but fortunately i fixed it before sending.

I wish there was an app that always snapped a mid-air action shot of my stupid face right as I accidentally drop my phone on it.

If I see one more heart-shaped food item on instagram or any other social media you're all gonna die.

Yes I just spilled ranch dressing on a vinyl chair and called my dog to clean it up.

I want coffee. I need coffee. I would kill you for your coffee.

If you say something is "better than sex" I am going to judge your sex life so hard.

Just posted a photo  http://instagr.am/p/T9rTHnqEMq/ 

You can watch MY balls drop, baby.

When I'm rich I'm going to have a vault of foster puppies and when I am distressed I'm going to swim around in them like Scrooge McDuck.

To everyone: I probably like your dog more than I like you.