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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,694
    • FAVS
    HoneyWooWooDat_JewSpectacuLAURALeliafrzHanleyBarbaraJ_Illunninati_troyjohnsonronstewart95
    • 3,224
    • RETWEETS
    LeliafrzJ_Illunninatironstewart95Simon_Cornelldianamail17sadb0ycakesfloralei1CanadianMclovin
    carlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,801
    • FAVS
    njlitigatornomes_uHoneyWooWooKennyc2653PinkCamoTOdeardilettanteLeliafrzMadsfrancis
    • 2,570
    • RETWEETS
    Kennyc2653LolitaNevermorePinkCamoTOimallabouMEganAPuzzellodeardilettanteLeliafrzespeciallyme86
    li4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 2,040
    • FAVS
    LeliafrzFistyScentJ_IllunninatiRandomAnticsMomoglHarliKoRonielenwalkergrigsby_larry
    • 911
    • RETWEETS
    naveeniiumJ_IllunninatiRonielenwalkerAndyCiesielskigrigsby_larryclownpuncher6ElgatoEsmiolauradru62
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 2,012
    • FAVS
    HoneyWooWooSpectacuLAURAJ_Illunninati_troyjohnsonjuneymbktea11redskins4416051SpokeAna
    • 879
    • RETWEETS
    J_IllunninatiTheBlueEyedSonKP099battrebeetSpokeAnalauradru62missskye81ohpeetie
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,668
    • FAVS
    Johnny23macAnemoneOhMDthriceLeliafrztanialunrealJ_Illunninati_troyjohnsonFuerte_Mike
    • 1,089
    • RETWEETS
    HoneyWooWooLeliafrzJ_IllunninatiFuerte_MikeBrainiax44TrippymanjackBitchSeatSufficientCharm
    clemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,543
    • FAVS
    HoneyWooWooFistyScentJ_Illunninati_troyjohnsonStCharlieGracelauradru62Whoopdeedoo22tjkc80
    • 650
    • RETWEETS
    J_Illunninatilauradru62missskye81Mpls_LimoMikeblameMacheens78SufficientCharmohpeetiejohnmhty
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,166
    • FAVS
    HoneyWooWooJ_IllunninatiVice_QueeniLikeCatShirtskey_ognewstart43kirrkwoodsadb0ycakes
    • 762
    • RETWEETS
    J_IllunninatiVertikaKhullarnewstart43SpokeAnalauradru62missskye81ohpeetiejohnmhty
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,281
    • FAVS
    phxguy88HoneyWooWooFord414J_Illunninatiold_n_highDiscoFruitVice_Queen123fickleascanb
    • 641
    • RETWEETS
    J_Illunninatiold_n_highTeeJayRushLABeachmomsophiepl_chloegohUn_Tal_MarcoMalekprus
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 982
    • FAVS
    J_IllunninatiVertikaKhullarnewstart43selknaosum09sadb0ycakesSayedaAbubakrSpokeAna
    • 532
    • RETWEETS
    J_IllunninatiThatThugSblueyedchick77newstart43selknaktea11sadb0ycakesSpokeAna
    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 968
    • FAVS
    JediMasterJamsrmecheeyaJ_Illunninatiexodus803YuNg_JANEMcChucklenutsMeaganPasheJacobgetsBaked
    • 354
    • RETWEETS
    JediMasterJamsrmecheeyaJ_IllunninatiyomagnetJacobgetsBakedCrocodeavonwickedimproperSufficientCharm
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 880
    • FAVS
    SpectacuLAURAEric_NikiforovCelebYouTauntJ_IllunninatispeknycPStineyRonin6750DosieDoe
    • 317
    • RETWEETS
    CelebYouTauntJ_IllunninatiorgasnomPStineyKRISTINB5150QwertyJones3ninjadinosaur1MischievousJam
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 603
    • FAVS
    becabirdSpectacuLAURASevernjacaLeliafrzJrMaroonJ_Illunninatithentherewasmo_troyjohnson
    • 322
    • RETWEETS
    becabirdshoircaLeliafrzjsnodJ_Illunninatijoshvoydik_troyjohnson4ScoreN20Bowls
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 668
    • FAVS
    velvettuskJ_IllunninatiRandomAnticsredpawn3RobWeb79Treezy_TrevLife_of_PriiGreenMonk
    • 116
    • RETWEETS
    velvettuskJ_IllunninatibrokeMDiGreenMonkCurly_gurl135TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbes
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 565
    • FAVS
    LeliafrzJ_Illunninatiyungdrewbencalvinhaase17_buREIDo_Rafael_ARMCzacharyrjohn391stars
    • 166
    • RETWEETS
    J_IllunninatiJsSchaefersjthatguybernardro_haw_heatfl4tcrewGratefulWieuterJonAdams89arealtravisty
    KhrisWarholPeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.

    • 460
    • FAVS
    DanKCharnleyHannahRice16NystericsToTheMaxMichaelstrawberrybogpos_piscesericsshadowJames_Shickich
    • 269
    • RETWEETS
    burn_the_oilfoinszachheltzelSaraESpiveynatblakeSuchaDumbWorldJ_IllunninatiCurly_gurl135
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Maybe it's not wind. Maybe trees wave because they're lonely.

    • 380
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowjane_botSaraESpiveyBigLadooFistyScentraachKKrmecheeyaJ_Illunninati
    • 305
    • RETWEETS
    SaraESpiveyFistyScentraachKKrmecheeyaJ_Illunninatileninmecaethemaninderradiculate
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.

    • 421
    • FAVS
    PhillipStuerzluggogirldaviribeiro4567LittleLisaMarieDonQuickoatsBananaKareninaPhilophrosyneBoleyngirly
    • 251
    • RETWEETS
    tym_lynneDonQuickoatsClip_Show_TimeRichHarris2WiseCrackerSoupDistracted2tmoswoleJaeMar68
    ElgatoEsmio
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 541
    • FAVS
    UnderAchiever84J_IllunninatiJake_RoskovskiIm_ThatCaraChicaljeannetteMikeGistaalmajessica1RobWeb79
    • 127
    • RETWEETS
    J_Illunninatiohpeetieyvonneg414TheFlyingPuffinIm_ThatCaraChicJDubyaTheDudeJokeBloggerRobWeb79
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I called my neighbor Meaghan instead of Megan and she didn't even notice.

    • 413
    • FAVS
    CruisnKurtpriamandawarmyellowlightWiseCrackerSoupJez1SaraESpiveyLeliafrzvelvettusk
    • 168
    • RETWEETS
    WiseCrackerSoupJez1SaraESpiveysunnykisses_ajJ_Illunninatiwalkingbad420TeeJayRushmeagvnn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka

    • 456
    • FAVS
    rmecheeyaJ_Illunninatiredpawn3lisa_liscombkegan_dakoata94KOrendorLEOldfatherBarrelracer2B
    • 116
    • RETWEETS
    J_Illunninatigwenbranhamkegan_dakoata94IDeyoeBeMySun19kayleighkillerJDubyaTheDudealmajessica1
    JustAshleyOkay____
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