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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,399
    • FAVS
    1bastardangeljaredpriceShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticMiddleageMnotbedeliaahmcginnisannacwhitehead
    • 3,033
    • RETWEETS
    jaredpricePapaDopsnotbedeliagpl1975almoblokeandrewdebleyRuvloMusicBlueLoxRoxUrSox
    carlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,557
    • FAVS
    abbycohenwlShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticnotbedeliaParentNormalJessObsessKimBru49shwebby3
    • 2,436
    • RETWEETS
    ShutUpThatsWhonotbedeliaKimBru49shwebby3douglasaineChiefGumoradakvwaflace
    MollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 1,971
    • FAVS
    1bastardangelShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticnotbedeliaKimBru49ShermanPartsHomieBooboooRayzrRamone
    • 861
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliaRayzrRamonefuzzlimecornellmalcolmSamaad_AhmedBasavalingaDoreSinghSaabIsBackYaserMujrim
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 1,651
    • FAVS
    betulesairafiShutUpThatsWhonotbedeliaoboogersBuyingBreed___Matthew13Buck852AussieMuz
    • 746
    • RETWEETS
    ShutUpThatsWhonotbedeliaBuck852wittwitbaristauberpakipseudo_fredFrustrateMyLovetralugo
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,425
    • FAVS
    SchusterJanegerryhatricShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticnotbedeliaJustinJ0hns0n4schoolboiLfuzzlime
    • 956
    • RETWEETS
    SchusterJanegerryhatricnotbedeliaeborg01onion_anthelastdaysrevhythemafiaemilytheskank
    clemdytanGreyPath1CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,470
    • FAVS
    1bastardangelShutUpThatsWhoRunwayDannotbedeliaGupton68modernquixoteviciousbabydollProudPapaDuffy
    • 609
    • RETWEETS
    notbedeliamodernquixoteProudPapaDuffycornellmalcolmLove76BxeknownKingRanch51PicklesnPickles
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,073
    • FAVS
    1bastardangelyesmate114LackOfShameSociablyAwkwardNativeTexan624krosea_JumpintotheGrogbgirl314
    • 716
    • RETWEETS
    akifahsanryolwhLackOfShameSociablyAwkwardNativeTexan624krosea_FloodyHippiebgirl314
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,117
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhoBardenMsnotbedeliatrentistweetingtrynaluvmyselfMonicaArrowFRYZRenatapotatoTayTayPataderz
    • 548
    • RETWEETS
    ShutUpThatsWhonotbedeliaTheMColemanMonicaArrowFRYZthedailywiskykstamrdaZielenGeestmagenostxxn
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 928
    • FAVS
    iNyagah_AnnaWelsh007KentWGrahamluvmyADHDMyBackupNametrashtasticamsmollybee25StickyickyBuns
    • 500
    • RETWEETS
    Peaches_EmJayGoodFoodguydbricklanecoffeeAnnaWelsh007planet_legzonascaleof1210KentWGrahamRoniNuwal
    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 893
    • FAVS
    1bastardangeltwstedBitchMorgan2383MoShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticjosh_hlbrkkevintripleuyuvygroovy
    • 313
    • RETWEETS
    twstedBitchMorgan2383MoShutUpThatsWhoyuvygroovyhelltotheyayaGirliegurllLackOfShamefazzayl
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 764
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticBelizeanBaddGalsatirical_ironyMarkActon007pantsfacedVardarliResul_U_K_OU
    • 246
    • RETWEETS
    Kansas_love_U_K_OUstefanojayDawn_M_modernquixoteMannyontmoonVEGD1MEl_Phillippe
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 650
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticAussieMuzbeefman138modernquixoteBrianIncognitomalbecprincesscathisamazing
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    1bastardangelbeefman138modernquixotemalbecprincesscathisamazingBrody_Buhlerbig_scottie_69brehopeful
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 413
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhorowsagarciaAussieMuzmadeleinedouxITMikeBRobynKThomsonsattamalsharifMuskerWistache
    • 218
    • RETWEETS
    ShutUpThatsWhoAussieMuzbeefman138modernquixoteJayneymookimt205cathisamazingWordDamage
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 516
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhoAussieMuzMuskerWistachebeefman138modernquixoteJayneymoormfnordBusterGrabb
    • 108
    • RETWEETS
    ShutUpThatsWhobeefman138modernquixotekatinthehat666clemdytancathisamazingProudPapaDuffyToddHellsKitch
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 446
    • FAVS
    1bastardangelShutUpThatsWhoAussieMuzsam_the_jewdementedblokefuzzlimemadeleinedouxmusculardog
    • 116
    • RETWEETS
    dementedblokefuzzlimebeefman138modernquixoteJayneymoocathisamazingVEGD1MJusAnotherMike
    PeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka

    • 438
    • FAVS
    modernquixoteMonsieurMehrdadItbCashedDipxsssJayneymooDonna_McCoycathisamazingangellgurl
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    modernquixoteDipxssscathisamazingbeefman138hoveringfalconTheBoydPkasaudamos2mwangi
    JustAshleyOkay____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Kim Jong died because he had no Seoul

    • 321
    • FAVS
    ShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticAussieMuzmusculardogbeefman138modernquixoteJayneymoocloudypianos
    • 164
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138modernquixoteclemdytanLunkenDrushOrignalceQueencathisamazingSnarkyLemurAutumnSkye13
    PlatinumShower____kellyskelly
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

    • 321
    • FAVS
    HaniaKarim1bastardangelShutUpThatsWhoRomeyJoumerfarooqi83ImSiddiqKhanMonsieurMehrdadJayneymoo
    • 160
    • RETWEETS
    1bastardangelShutUpThatsWhofawmaster69JayneymoogorgeouscompanyDonna_McCoyclemdytancraneenergy
    Canadian_HoserCocaine_Burger____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sending a text is the most efficient way to say "I love you, just not enough to call."

    • 363
    • FAVS
    AnotherDamnLisa1bastardangelReticentTurnipbeefman138MonsieurMehrdadJayneymoohiimrengreek2289
    • 78
    • RETWEETS
    1bastardangelReticentTurnipbeefman138greek2289OrWasIthowe007nv7281cathisamazing
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    My wife is such a hypocrite. She tells me that my dick is "too small", but suddenly when it comes to anal it's "too big"

    • 365
    • FAVS
    1bastardangelShutUpThatsWhoAussieMuzMuskerWistachebeefman138MonsieurMehrdadFamilyRamblingsJayneymoo
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138digitaljuttnv7281clemdytancraneenergycathisamazingmodernquixote6stringdreams
    vagstar
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