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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.
Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends
I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.
Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.
Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
Nothing worse than an idiot with a valid point
If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.
I called my nephew Shaun instead of Sean and he didn't even notice. Idiot.
If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.
I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign
Love is when there is no "wrong hole."
I won't even look up from my phone until the 3rd date.
Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
Convince new friends into thinking you're a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked
She wants to fuck me
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