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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.
A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.
I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends
Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.
Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign
To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:
In your face!
Love is when there is no "wrong hole."
If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.
Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.
Had sex with a transvestite the other day.
She took it like a man.
Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked
She wants to fuck me
If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka
'We got naked. We fucked.'
~ Male version of 50 shades of Grey
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
Things that excite me.
2. Waking up late
3. Going to bed early
Kim Jong died because he had no Seoul
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