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Okay, we shall bug you no longer
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    [on 1st date]
    Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
    Her: No, I'd love to
    Me: Same
    Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

    • 5,696
    • LIKES
    ViktorPesonmysd8_______gyyMavenofHonorsarahnegugogorArchaic0101ALChapchapSharpeBytes
    • 3,319
    • RETWEETS
    TACOC0RPPetkoPetkov201224skidooJAH2488nomadjamesmonarchcmtkingdollYodasgrl
    Cpin42SusanRinell
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 4,781
    • LIKES
    BCMBastardOhTurdFergusseneye_spydervintagetangoPollyKranichLacyrobinsonnonehitwonderChristweetpher_
    • 3,970
    • RETWEETS
    BCMBastardAaron_Wright87IaSg14jesspulfordvintagetangoshmivy_dreamthievinhaliejreed
    Moi_RaRacarlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopter__loveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 2,026
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinlzyltninJordyPants_sheseemslegitChristweetpher__kthnxbaidilemmaline31designsbywes
    • 2,730
    • RETWEETS
    NeediSayMore4uThe_MartiniGirlsheseemslegitChristweetpher_ronty167love_always20930ld_TestamentD_arthFader
    ericonederfulli4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 2,335
    • LIKES
    pgomez2010SecureSamask_lorraineblametheboozshannonlee1974davedavo77IzabelleCeeMightbedave
    • 1,490
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    dxblarssonENGQwertyJones3gerryhatricDarlainkyclemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 2,247
    • LIKES
    bunnifredDustinkcouchbsubrown94tardisblue42BillFerrisJenn_H_Scottkrisfulksestjosabeth
    • 1,039
    • RETWEETS
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    jake_likes_napsnigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 2,193
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinA_gligsSondraDeeMeVoldemorts_LordValeeGrrlDR_J52Inferno_VBritXNic
    • 929
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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.

    • 1,818
    • LIKES
    JennyeeeeKarlita_jarlitaMindBytesravenschofieldkapow_7ramcat666OhTurdFergusseneye_spyder
    • 1,135
    • RETWEETS
    mega105ravenschofielddreamthievinNeediSayMore4uThe_MartiniGirlsheseemslegitcarbarlypeaga
    brennadineBruceForce
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,685
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    dave_cactusPlaermjapesshezabSondraDeeMefishy_smellsabsenthandedericonederfuldragonsorbet
    • 723
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    sheseemslegitChristweetpher_shezabSondraDeeMefishy_smellsScottCharlesMDpaulablu22UhhmIDontKnow
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,436
    • LIKES
    Christweetpher_PurelyYours1just1foolbsubrown94Carlita_Acunahanba15notfaizzyravenschofield
    • 878
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    li4mst3w4rtSugarTittaysBillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,397
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    clintfuThe_MartiniGirlChristweetpher_jalebishehzadiabsenthandedHeidiLindenBritXNicdougbies
    • 715
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    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Nothing worse than an idiot with a valid point

    • 1,210
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    GulfCoastJakelsip11JohnKlimasBradBroaddusdreamthievinIronWangDumbAliastoffsypoffsy
    • 874
    • RETWEETS
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    lakeanagirljunejuly12kate_smithxxwriterPTbeefman138Darlainky
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 1,164
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    jalebishehzadiThe_MartiniGirlBumpyRIde_ChuckyNookieelvisupermanericonederfulAknud42graceisabeast
    • 674
    • RETWEETS
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    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 1,122
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    dreamthievinmriamyBritXNicericonederfulDeLMarSankindofcarolinetheraddestmemeBadLemonNoHope_
    • 608
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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

    • 1,122
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinpaleface50lopsterflopsterUn4g1v3n_Jax81carlosmolotov12CarvLuvPugrealchickenbob
    • 579
    • RETWEETS
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    FistyScent
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 973
    • LIKES
    fishy_smellsmonikaloreleitmoswoleJDWRobinsonashmenschFloodyHippieIts_Miss_Rissericonederful
    • 366
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    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.

    • 616
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinThe_MartiniGirlRNsliqnerdculaBumpyRIde_ericonederfuliamspacegirltwizturmind
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    blood_orphan
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I won't even look up from my phone until the 3rd date.

    • 639
    • LIKES
    dougbiesdreamthievinsunny_kumar86afteramyearthmom420Ryan_PatrickswittwitbaristaVermilliongrey
    • 328
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    NeediSayMore4uafteramyThe_MartiniGirlVermilliongreySmuttWhispererThat_Guy83Lbboon_JurassicPatt
    daemonic3mattZillaaaa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Maybe it's not wind. Maybe trees wave because they're lonely.

    • 508
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    dreamthievinmachminerthatguyrick6strings402kratosfrostbiteericonederfulHaylieRose42EqceptionalEQ
    • 394
    • RETWEETS
    manishamightymachminerthatguyrick6strings402TwoSapphiresBluudaysahadevanjanine_damestheatre_tEQhie
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 675
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinlopsterflopsterb4sageProudFFAalumniericonederfuliamspacegirltwizturmind1_swarthy_dude
    • 220
    • RETWEETS
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    KatieBurnettKLIM0VSKIPeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 729
    • LIKES
    jojoforfunthatguyricklopsterflopsterericonederful1confuciousKatieBurnettacpismeMindless4Miles
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    kattcalls________
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