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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,644
    • FAVS
    richpalinMomaweebea_kerjaberantdr0wnyououtbridge_t16__gretaxbrownAviatorMario
    • 3,204
    • RETWEETS
    levacasDiscoverHockleydr0wnyououttauntirbrooks2819bgirl314HereComesThePunjim_okc
    carlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,648
    • FAVS
    bea_kererika1110cPatrickGoberLupeFierirealbadgerNo_Me_HalloVertikaKhullarFweakofCydonia
    • 2,482
    • RETWEETS
    RobWeb79shumane_akhonaStephanieKrotzzhatablockazOderoAluluTeejoint4cumfycritter09SusanRinell
    li4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 1,996
    • FAVS
    bea_kerjshbcklucidchemistryDonnie_FairburnRandomAnticsSweet_TexSternoShotsfading_roses19
    • 870
    • RETWEETS
    fading_roses19hpb777__brocktonguyMonkyThundercraneenergyTheAlexPAdamFrench21monicamnm1717
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 1,965
    • FAVS
    AmyCtotheFtothemaggiewhatsOmegaLionessAmandaM_DLaPorte_DanielEndlessDigressMr_KapowskiRobWeb79
    • 873
    • RETWEETS
    DubbletakesAmandaM_DlynnannemRobWeb79PacificTech01XOSchitzochase_chayzebillie_noel
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,595
    • FAVS
    bea_kerColeAlcorn19AD3deerhurstsoullbrotherrRobWeb79izzieshutuphurshikissx3
    • 1,047
    • RETWEETS
    willywil5ColeAlcornRobWeb79drowningherjaketombrellogayle_dillthealexandrahLearyMs
    clemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,521
    • FAVS
    CamCraigNelsoncostaspojeremy_patrickgonzalez216comedynmesparkleburnoutValerie__ZunigaZackBornstein
    • 638
    • RETWEETS
    gonzalez216KMacinNWIOlivierStreetNetty47Hartjcluts41Miliano5JokeBloggerRobWeb79
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,138
    • FAVS
    bea_kerKhrisWarholRobWeb79sian1etanialunrealSingleGirlAlertTabithaPetulaMoeatics
    • 748
    • RETWEETS
    RobWeb79SingleGirlAlertMoeaticsFazlurChoudharydrgorilla9110SynnaSlaterCurly_gurl135thcJimily
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,231
    • FAVS
    FauxFawxDonnie_FairburnRandomAnticsKermit_11MadhusudanasanityinabottleRitleySammichdb_stewart
    • 623
    • RETWEETS
    MadhusudanaXladeOrainRu_PhilosophusMuktesh_SRaphaHe_artcokamouseIrlTreeOCEzeadi
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 965
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79FazlurChoudharyDairyAir69iGreenMonkCurly_gurl135Bounse44joub53chellelanger
    • 516
    • RETWEETS
    FazlurChoudharyReko14999DairyAir69iGreenMonkCurly_gurl135sharkygirl74supk10lucialeblanc23
    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 955
    • FAVS
    SwagosaurusryanSkybearOfDoomPopsMcCrillmental_meandersNapmaster_90mjl574GreatGohstjkuppe
    • 344
    • RETWEETS
    SwagosaurusryanTheMinksSkybearOfDoom_TurdFergyjamielewis_666JokeBloggervenomjunkie2RobWeb79
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 811
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79kevinwigglesSweetPatootBobSwaget123FauxFawxmusculardogDonnie_FairburnRandomAntics
    • 271
    • RETWEETS
    RobWeb79flyinmaniBobSwaget123FauxFawxXladeOrainBeardedEoghanTheAlexPmuhammadusmana5
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 555
    • FAVS
    andrealortizbea_kercookies_morganavianinksquanderedsaltpeter2peter2petloveandlight12jenna_troiani
    • 296
    • RETWEETS
    peter2peter2petlavieencmyksidney_rogersJamesBHarlanddrunkdoctor_HannahMDrumLucasHawkinsKhrisWarhol
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 664
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79Treezy_TrevLife_of_PriiGreenMonkCurly_gurl135musculardogDonnie_Fairburnericsshadow
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    brokeMDiGreenMonkCurly_gurl135TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbesVodkantots1bastardangel
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 534
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79Treezy_TrevohpeetieCurly_gurl135musculardogDonnie_FairburnericsshadowAcademmission
    • 120
    • RETWEETS
    RobWeb79iGreenMonkCurly_gurl135TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbesParris__IslandStoney258
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 481
    • FAVS
    aPlaceInHellsonly_a_gamesquanderedsaltArkadaemuspeter2peter2petomgurbcFudgeRobotGingerGander
    • 130
    • RETWEETS
    peter2peter2pethusseinshamsa13KhrisWarholvalkyrietitsTheAlexPAdamFrench21BalentColeenGetonga
    KhrisWarholPeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka

    • 446
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79iGreenMonkCurly_gurl135musculardogDonnie_FairburnericsshadowTheAlexPli4mst3w4rt
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    timaica01KhanyileMduSwapnil8685Moeaticsimsummiijibla_iGreenMonkCurly_gurl135
    JustAshleyOkay____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    'We got naked. We fucked.'

    ~ Male version of 50 shades of Grey

    • 340
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79SarahAnneli4mst3w4rtTabithaPetulaPuttheliddowncaptainjoe2822iGreenMonkthepoisonedpoet
    • 188
    • RETWEETS
    RobWeb79SarahAnneli4mst3w4rtiLLkid_iGreenMonkthepoisonedpoetCurly_gurl135Kiki_Shimmerz
    Curly_gurl135bfriend__
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

    • 341
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79rosek228bombsydollDairyAir69iGreenMonkthepoisonedpoetohpeetieCurly_gurl135
    • 172
    • RETWEETS
    RobWeb79rosek228iGreenMonkohpeetieCurly_gurl135bwebster76SpeightVerajuneohara65
    Canadian_HoserCocaine_Burger____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Things that excite me. 
    1. Sleeping
    2. Waking up late
    3. Going to bed early
    4. Naps.

    • 291
    • FAVS
    BlondeInLondonfeellikegangstaks_poetrydana_anaddPizzaAlwaysWinsZeL_foxyladi84TraineeFittie_HealthNewsNow_
    • 221
    • RETWEETS
    PizzaAlwaysWinsJessicaMarron96RTQueen22JClement_17TraineeFittieVeroBear13ferguerra95CrippledLiberal
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Kim Jong died because he had no Seoul

    • 328
    • FAVS
    RobWeb79RandomAnticsericsshadowJaswitherHoorayBaconTheAlexPli4mst3w4rtShutUpThatsWho
    • 166
    • RETWEETS
    RobWeb79TheAlexPbeefman138modernquixoteclemdytanLunkenDrushOrignalceQueencathisamazing
    PlatinumShower____kellyskelly
@daplusk

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