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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,843
    • FAVS
    kuusela34tiReynardT_N_CrumpetsWhoTheHeckIsMegAudreyPornewendysredryonDr_powpowAmyEliza1013B
    • 3,322
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardBonJovi32T_N_CrumpetsAudreyPorne_Aynne_wendysredryonlilsislynneDr_powpow
    Moi_RaRacarlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,884
    • FAVS
    themiltronamanduuughtiReynardT_N_CrumpetsAudreyPorne_YASHICA_ocatzwendysredryon
    • 2,636
    • RETWEETS
    T_N_CrumpetswendysredryonarcherenemyhbazakRisy018MahreekahMind_fukkninjadinosaur1
    li4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 2,119
    • FAVS
    bigmac62712T_N_CrumpetsWhoTheHeckIsMegAudreyPorneandreiovichredheadfantaseekittykathy__wendysredryon
    • 971
    • RETWEETS
    bigmac62712tiReynardBonJovi32MoosingtonT_N_CrumpetsAudreyPorneredheadfantaseewendysredryon
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,803
    • FAVS
    kuusela34tiReynardbLIZard523AapKiMaaMrRoosbulldogmusicaddict75T_N_Crumpetsprocaffinator
    • 1,161
    • RETWEETS
    musicaddict75T_N_CrumpetsdreamerherselfdwigglyMrTallPaul1Luvtolifthelpimbleedingupayogkartanaam
    QwertyJones3gerryhatricDarlainkyclemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 2,056
    • FAVS
    hippocroteezwendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64ninjadinosaur1FancyNancyAnnMsNitnotsa_olivia4212
    • 891
    • RETWEETS
    A2J316lucasloveslilyjamster5068BeardownBDJewelsb1980CrazzzyKenMoi_RaRaunforeseenwords
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,595
    • FAVS
    tiReynardT_N_CrumpetswendysredryonBurbidgeJamesarcherenemydeepakrai916annabellabombSammyJB121
    • 680
    • RETWEETS
    MoosingtonT_N_Crumpetsessexboyupnorthwendysredryonarcherenemydeepakrai916SammyJB121bsnc64
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,332
    • FAVS
    tiReynardT_N_CrumpetswendysredryonarcherenemySammyJB121bsnc64hbazakMind_fukk
    • 675
    • RETWEETS
    T_N_Crumpetswendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64Risy018Mind_fukkninjadinosaur1FancyNancyAnn
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,211
    • FAVS
    C5J5D5kuusela34tiReynardT_N_CrumpetswendysredryonAnonymousInZALin_Bakerarcherenemy
    • 780
    • RETWEETS
    LongHairyPeterkuusela34tiReynardMoosingtonT_N_Crumpetswendysredryonarcherenemygerryhatric
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.

    • 1,132
    • FAVS
    thesaurosietiReynardcrowblokeichasuzhougerryhatriciamspacegirlArfMeasuresT_N_Crumpets
    • 629
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardmoderatelySunnyShoutingStreetArfMeasuresT_N_CrumpetsAaronKLanderswendysredryonPercy_Mills1
    brennadineBruceForce
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 1,037
    • FAVS
    tiReynardgerryhatricArfMeasuresT_N_CrumpetsspazrunsnyMindless4MilesLisa_Pisa_Lovelucasloveslily
    • 562
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardT_N_CrumpetsMindless4MileslucasloveslilywendysredryonHurricaneTaiHamiPhoneboy_meGR_Lloyd
    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 1,013
    • FAVS
    tiReynardArfMeasuresInked_ArchivistT_N_CrumpetsAudreyPornewendysredryonsandy_gilsonarcherenemy
    • 376
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynard_L1vY_T_N_Crumpetswendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64ThatsWotIThinkHeyokaJoker
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 898
    • FAVS
    karmakimmieTraceykemp8tiReynardT_N_CrumpetsAudreyPornekid0krewwendysredryonarcherenemy
    • 323
    • RETWEETS
    tiReynardT_N_CrumpetswendysredryonarcherenemyMsNitnotsbiggarfCelebYouTauntJ_Illunninati
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 775
    • FAVS
    LovonyxInconsteveableSteveKoehler22AbercrombieKayjamietie89RealPrincessKimla_dame_vertUncleSchmitty_
    • 410
    • RETWEETS
    SteveKoehler22BrandonKing5652MeeraEld_smileyriversongreddsammmyjooodrowningherHeyItsJadeGctsotsoros
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.

    • 515
    • FAVS
    wendysredryonarcherenemySammyJB121bsnc64mahagowitztristanberghawelab1956Perpetual_Now
    • 302
    • RETWEETS
    wendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64mahagowitztristanberghMomCantSingPerpetual_Nowninjadinosaur1
    blood_orphan
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 678
    • FAVS
    kid0krewwendysredryongerryhatricbsnc64MsNitnotsLMFayeselknabiggarf
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    wendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64biggarfdPiratePrincessvelvettuskJ_IllunninatibrokeMD
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 596
    • FAVS
    brain_omenMrBrown419Miss_Kris85itsmetrbRuinMyWeekSinfulShellywendysredryon_Arjun_Garg
    • 183
    • RETWEETS
    brain_omenZacThillitsmetrbRuinMyWeekSinfulShellywendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64
    KhrisWordsPeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Nothing worse than an idiot with a valid point

    • 466
    • FAVS
    SondraDeeMeMyPornKhanthecorejessy__jonesFreier14CareEg331_swarthy_dudeMind_fukk
    • 311
    • RETWEETS
    PreachySnowMyPornKhanmediapunta_fanthecore1_swarthy_dudeMind_fukkbuster2211ben_smithe
    Darlainky
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.

    • 468
    • FAVS
    wendysredryonSammyJB121theimmortalgoatbsnc64MsNitnotsmariokeypartyvivalacrapBJigg
    • 283
    • RETWEETS
    wendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64FancyNancyAnnskippybkrooSaljSalsaddletraprickkondell__
    ElgatoEsmio
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Maybe it's not wind. Maybe trees wave because they're lonely.

    • 419
    • FAVS
    DosieDoe_YASHICA_Denise_FeruniwendysredryonRuss24LgerryhatricSapioCentricjake_lach
    • 326
    • RETWEETS
    wendysredryonRuss24Lgerryhatricjake_lacharcherenemybsnc64Mind_fukkmahagowitz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 553
    • FAVS
    RuinMyWeekwendysredryongerryhatricbsnc64MsNitnotsToxicProbablyselknaDarlainky
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    wendysredryonarcherenemybsnc64biggarf1_swarthy_dudedPiratePrincessJ_Illunninatiohpeetie
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