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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,574
    • FAVS
    mike_barnettecrazytraci72kayllamaAmeliaAWarrendksj1029the5_9sideitsgrayyysonFifi_the_Ninja
    • 3,174
    • RETWEETS
    crazytraci72MikeDaFicusShutUpThatsWhodental37shawtygetlolo_natedoggidydoggVeroniKaboomAndrewArmiger
    carlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,597
    • FAVS
    Burds_1musculardogSeBAsTianMrANtiduyaarCVTBabykrispythehumanLerkykt_shelts
    • 2,458
    • RETWEETS
    SeBAsTianMrANtiGizzurQwertyJones3Astronaut1205hpb777juneohara65Muktesh_SNANAOfficiall
    li4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 1,991
    • FAVS
    Sweet_TexSternoShotsfading_roses19hpb777pie_and_dryMiss_Kris85UntouchableShejustmegirlRR
    • 870
    • RETWEETS
    fading_roses19hpb777brocktonguyMonkyThundercraneenergyTheAlexPAdamFrench21monicamnm1717
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,487
    • FAVS
    Kermit_11plaguegroundsNurseKimaaahpb777juneohara65Ih8hockeyDoLaLeeDoOCEzeadi
    • 997
    • RETWEETS
    Burds_1hpb777juneohara65the_mjlMuktesh_SAlishba_76kierky1973DoLaLeeDo
    clemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 1,690
    • FAVS
    Kermit_11Dan_NemethADavidGambleMsMizuGamiScott_A_Gilmoreviciousbetty32giraffedicksjuneohara65
    • 778
    • RETWEETS
    LionsayshelloChrisScarletteScott_A_Gilmoreviciousbetty32juneohara65SirJoshMischiefcanadian_eggTheAlexP
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,500
    • FAVS
    Kermit_11RedroseHotnesstrisZJJaneBadalllillyflower44TheDarkAmbientcanadian_eggTheAlexP
    • 627
    • RETWEETS
    BigBrianKimaniTheAlexPcozbelligerentAdamFrench21ignaciosslopez00300mellowbear4crackerjak92
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,121
    • FAVS
    TehNemsterjuneohara65MommaBishBlogs_The_Medusa_NIKKIDIAMONDS80TheAlexPcozbelligerent67orbust
    • 745
    • RETWEETS
    thcJimilyslooberbiejuneohara65NIKKIDIAMONDS80TheAlexPAdamFrench21G_Sam_irshlas74
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,228
    • FAVS
    Kermit_11MadhusudanasanityinabottleRitleySammichdb_stewartcokamouseIrlTreetrisZJ
    • 623
    • RETWEETS
    MadhusudanaXladeOrainRu_PhilosophusMuktesh_SRaphaHe_artcokamouseIrlTreeOCEzeadi
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 949
    • FAVS
    shimmalafelixosheaTehNemsterkrispythehumanOCEzeadiTheAlexPFunneeMommyonume_
    • 507
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexP67orbustAdamFrench21bullitt6454CleverName_HerekimsgreatVodkantotsPeaches_EmJay
    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 925
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowKermit_11Dan_Nemethonume_LHaveralecozbelligerent67orbustMstanks111
    • 328
    • RETWEETS
    ChrisScarlettecozbelligerentScott_A_Gilmoresara_ashlynnpretty_gravesAdamFrench21BalentColeentjblackburn81
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 803
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowAcademmissionBeardedEoghanFrakkingAwesomecathyperry46TheAlexPonume_AdamFrench21
    • 267
    • RETWEETS
    XladeOrainBeardedEoghanTheAlexPmuhammadusmana5AdamFrench21SoGoFuBoo_berries_GetIncorrect
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 527
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowBurds_1Kermit_11vic_tarusSocialChalleng1msmollybee25karmonettaShut_up_Marissa
    • 285
    • RETWEETS
    XladeOrainAhew86aftermath800BronwynLeighCJamielah_007FashodaFreshNelson_SempeKenHuxley1
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 657
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowTheAlexPAdamFrench21cheeky__galNaomiGlitterVodkantotsli4mst3w4rtShutUpThatsWho
    • 111
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbesVodkantots1bastardangelbeefman138modernquixotemalbecprincess
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 528
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowAcademmissionTheAlexP67orbustAdamFrench21LakelandriGreenMonkccastleylowe
    • 117
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbesParris__IslandStoney258drjohnblazeConspiracyin559Vodkantots
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 465
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowKermit_11Bros_anadanielweiss22TheAlexP67orbustAdamFrench21BalentColeen
    • 126
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPAdamFrench21BalentColeenGetongawsforbesParris__Islanddrjohnblazevinitx3
    PeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka

    • 441
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowTheAlexPli4mst3w4rtmodernquixoteMonsieurMehrdadItbCashedDipxsssJayneymoo
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPmodernquixoteDipxssscathisamazingbeefman138hoveringfalconTheBoydPkasauda
    JustAshleyOkay____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    'We got naked. We fucked.'

    ~ Male version of 50 shades of Grey

    • 328
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowKaitlynGarrettocolberg97Kermit_11PokerNRearjmjohnstonwebs1tweetingLEBWolfee27
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    fl3mnationdales872VodkaVulcancolberg97VitaminNickPokerNRearjmjohnstonwebs1gregg_a843
    bfriend__
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

    • 331
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowKermit_11K__g_nV_g_nbwebster76juneohara65musculardogRainBroskiTheAlexP
    • 167
    • RETWEETS
    bwebster76SpeightVerajuneohara65musculardogTheAlexPgarypdaley67orbust1bastardangel
    Canadian_HoserCocaine_Burger____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Kim Jong died because he had no Seoul

    • 326
    • FAVS
    ericsshadowJaswitherHoorayBaconTheAlexPli4mst3w4rtShutUpThatsWhodirty_romanticAussieMuz
    • 165
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPbeefman138modernquixoteclemdytanLunkenDrushOrignalceQueencathisamazingSnarkyLemur
    PlatinumShower____kellyskelly
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sending a text is the most efficient way to say "I love you, just not enough to call."

    • 365
    • FAVS
    TheAlexPli4mst3w4rtAnotherDamnLisa1bastardangelReticentTurnipbeefman138MonsieurMehrdadJayneymoo
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexP1bastardangelReticentTurnipbeefman138greek2289OrWasIthowe007nv7281
@daplusk

@daplusk
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https://twitter.com/search?q=from%3A%40daplusk&s=03

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