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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends
I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.
Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.
Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I'd love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.
Nothing worse than an idiot with a valid point
I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign
If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.
If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.
Love is when there is no "wrong hole."
Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.
Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked
She wants to fuck me
Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
Had sex with a transvestite the other day.
She took it like a man.
I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.
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