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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,684
    • FAVS
    iLikeCatShirtsSimon_CornellStoned_Mermaiddianamail17TOPLAWDOGsadb0ycakeskatiehavingfunjodi_packard
    • 3,222
    • RETWEETS
    Simon_Cornelldianamail17sadb0ycakesfloralei1CanadianMclovinSpokeAnalauradru62IAmLegend_23
    carlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 2,035
    • FAVS
    HarliKoRonielenwalkergrigsby_larryJohnEliasJonesJmyNAMEisJILLElgatoEsmioExclamationmark_definitlymaybe
    • 909
    • RETWEETS
    RonielenwalkerAndyCiesielskigrigsby_larryclownpuncher6ElgatoEsmiolauradru6246VR46Soy_ITO
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 2,008
    • FAVS
    juneymbktea11redskins4416051SpokeAnalauradru62missskye81SufficientCharmshwebby3
    • 878
    • RETWEETS
    TheBlueEyedSonKP099battrebeetSpokeAnalauradru62missskye81ohpeetiefawmaster69
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,793
    • FAVS
    THCLovecraftImaFlyontheWall_Aynne_OlofsonArcadeRaeubertochterrCuri0usmindsLeandri_Dbrinana_soto
    • 2,559
    • RETWEETS
    MC_EihttedyjfalconGanderGinGinGanderTboy_BankzGullyassassin_Aynne_erastu_
    li4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,654
    • FAVS
    iLikeCatShirtscassiopea__evstokes96bumpin_mamacalvinthe_boldJake_StetlerxxxsnixRickAaron
    • 1,081
    • RETWEETS
    kv_reflectionstomcat340RickAaroncandidartichokeKimberleymakadoIMJeffRaymondSpokeAnajcs527
    clemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,539
    • FAVS
    StCharlieGracelauradru62Whoopdeedoo22tjkc80CarmelitaaMariemissskye81YuNg_JANEMcChucklenuts
    • 649
    • RETWEETS
    lauradru62missskye81Mpls_LimoMikeblameMacheens78SufficientCharmohpeetiejohnmhtyJayyoCruz
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,244
    • FAVS
    newstart43lethal197trashtasticasadb0ycakesunderthetoeTateRyannMollySneedbornmiserable
    • 632
    • RETWEETS
    newstart43lethal197sadb0ycakesTateRyannloudmouth_usaSpokeAnajohnmhtysolar_rexus
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,163
    • FAVS
    iLikeCatShirtskey_ognewstart43kirrkwoodsadb0ycakesredskins4416051SpokeAnalauradru62
    • 761
    • RETWEETS
    VertikaKhullarnewstart43SpokeAnalauradru62missskye81ohpeetiejohnmhtyEarnieMacIntire
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 981
    • FAVS
    VertikaKhullarnewstart43selknaosum09sadb0ycakesSayedaAbubakrSpokeAnaStCharlieGrace
    • 531
    • RETWEETS
    ThatThugSblueyedchick77newstart43selknaktea11sadb0ycakesSpokeAnalauradru62
    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 965
    • FAVS
    exodus803YuNg_JANEMcChucklenutsMeaganPasheJacobgetsBakedCrocodeavonwickedimproperSufficientCharm
    • 351
    • RETWEETS
    yomagnetJacobgetsBakedCrocodeavonwickedimproperSufficientCharmVAMPIREWALLETsolar_rexusSwagosaurusryan
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 868
    • FAVS
    AskManeejadeejayem_auDrPenisWrinkleMischievousJamdaniel_frijolesDorkyGurl_facetustjkc80
    • 311
    • RETWEETS
    ninjadinosaur1MischievousJamMosesKarigoAaronDurendaniel_frijolesCammille26facetusmusculardog
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 665
    • FAVS
    redpawn3RobWeb79Treezy_TrevLife_of_PriiGreenMonkCurly_gurl135musculardogDonnie_Fairburn
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    brokeMDiGreenMonkCurly_gurl135TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbesVodkantots1bastardangel
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 577
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22OhFuckRightOffalyssagammellomcwoodyDJIceeButtCheekmarleelambertpersinger7769DemonKingOda
    • 306
    • RETWEETS
    marleelambertDemonKingOdashootastlightBurningInHDChrisDorworthrmecheeyaKathleenog10Marlebean
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 539
    • FAVS
    Jake_RoskovskiIm_ThatCaraChicaljeannetteMikeGistaalmajessica1RobWeb79Treezy_Trevohpeetie
    • 126
    • RETWEETS
    ohpeetieyvonneg414TheFlyingPuffinIm_ThatCaraChicJDubyaTheDudeJokeBloggerRobWeb79iGreenMonk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 501
    • FAVS
    LivingSydneyAusFebWinjamitupinNelsonsNose__AFMoJundiledbay82GggEddie
    • 143
    • RETWEETS
    rookierescuejamitupinNelsonsNose__AFstevenarthursimGggEddiegeniusindisgizeDarren_Miranda
    KhrisWarholPeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka

    • 454
    • FAVS
    redpawn3lisa_liscombkegan_dakoata94KOrendorLEOldfatherBarrelracer2Bcallienevercandidartichoke
    • 115
    • RETWEETS
    gwenbranhamkegan_dakoata94IDeyoeBeMySun19kayleighkillerJDubyaTheDudealmajessica1JokeBlogger
    JustAshleyOkay____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.

    • 442
    • FAVS
    FudgeRobotSuperNerdyGeekmjkspeaksiLikeCatShirtsmistsofdreamsawesomeJCwoodCanTasmmensconfidence
    • 262
    • RETWEETS
    maaroufsalemmjkspeaksshakes31471awesomeJCwoodmensconfidencesadb0ycakesSpokeAnaennby
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    My wife is such a hypocrite. She tells me that my dick is "too small", but suddenly when it comes to anal it's "too big"

    • 386
    • FAVS
    KimberleymakadoMcChucklenutsMsPennyMcNallyRobWeb79XOSchitzoNinjaSweatpantsthepoetknightSufficientCharm
    • 80
    • RETWEETS
    KimberleymakadoCompleteJainyomagnetXOSchitzoNinjaSweatpantsthepoetknightSufficientCharmmusculardog
    vagstar
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.

    • 384
    • FAVS
    iLikeCatShirtstommymcnaughtyMs_XtinaAmOkaYzredpawn3allenhunt643xXMrT2010XxNorok_Tuz
    • 230
    • RETWEETS
    loserbandvampsMs_Xtinasweetg35K_Renee_47vanessa_1119879kimmyBraedanBatesNotJacelynMary
    ElgatoEsmio
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sending a text is the most efficient way to say "I love you, just not enough to call."

    • 374
    • FAVS
    Reem520ofighdc_mintzGalleriadiGianiSteveDutzyDairyAir69iGreenMonkCurly_gurl135
    • 86
    • RETWEETS
    musculardogJillSensomartinjguestJokeBloggerDairyAir69iGreenMonkCurly_gurl135TheAlexP
@daplusk

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