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[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I'd love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends
I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.
Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.
Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
Nothing worse than an idiot with a valid point
I called my nephew Shaun instead of Sean and he didn't even notice. Idiot.
If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.
If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.
I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign
Love is when there is no "wrong hole."
Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.
Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked
She wants to fuck me
I won't even look up from my phone until the 3rd date.
Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
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