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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I'd love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.
Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.
Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
Nothing worse than an idiot with a valid point
If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.
I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign
If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.
Love is when there is no "wrong hole."
Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.
Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked
She wants to fuck me
Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
Had sex with a transvestite the other day.
She took it like a man.
I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.
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