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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    [on 1st date]
    Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
    Her: No, I'd love to
    Me: Same
    Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

    • 5,788
    • LIKES
    ayeseeemRonjaGillbergmasudkabir21KizerBillhelmpantsfacedTheBigBatmanfreefalling1912rachel_boswell
    • 3,368
    • RETWEETS
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    Cpin42SusanRinell
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 4,783
    • LIKES
    TonyzTigerdamitab26BCMBastardOhTurdFergusseneye_spydervintagetangoPollyKranichLacyrobinson
    • 3,970
    • RETWEETS
    TonyzTigerBCMBastardAaron_Wright87IaSg14jesspulfordvintagetangoshmivy_dreamthievin
    Moi_RaRacarlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 2,336
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    your_strugglepgomez2010SecureSamask_lorraineblametheboozshannonlee1974davedavo77IzabelleCee
    • 1,491
    • RETWEETS
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    dxblarssonENGQwertyJones3gerryhatricDarlainkyclemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 2,261
    • LIKES
    _yourenotmymumCSWolfe465ClosetRecluseandreabottigoniToHVidsRuthePhoenixeric_merdinkveeginaa
    • 1,043
    • RETWEETS
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    jake_likes_napsnigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 2,194
    • LIKES
    CelsoPiazzidreamthievinA_gligsSondraDeeMeVoldemorts_LordValeeGrrlDR_J52Inferno_V
    • 929
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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 2,026
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinlzyltninJordyPants_sheseemslegitChristweetpher__kthnxbaidilemmaline31designsbywes
    • 2,730
    • RETWEETS
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    ericonederfulli4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.

    • 1,830
    • LIKES
    jineevsjenweyahellywhoSParkkilaDNArsenaljakeehwilsonpriiparmarloch_ness22
    • 1,146
    • RETWEETS
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    brennadineBruceForce
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,685
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    dave_cactusPlaermjapesshezabSondraDeeMefishy_smellsabsenthandedericonederfuldragonsorbet
    • 723
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    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,436
    • LIKES
    Christweetpher_PurelyYours1just1foolbsubrown94Carlita_Acunahanba15notfaizzyravenschofield
    • 878
    • RETWEETS
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    li4mst3w4rtSugarTittaysBillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,397
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    clintfuThe_MartiniGirlChristweetpher_jalebishehzadiabsenthandedHeidiLindenBritXNicdougbies
    • 715
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    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Nothing worse than an idiot with a valid point

    • 1,214
    • LIKES
    briandavidearpKiwiBreederthe_anastasiajammar1GulfCoastJakelsip11JohnKlimasBradBroaddus
    • 874
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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I called my nephew Shaun instead of Sean and he didn't even notice. Idiot.

    • 1,179
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    OmgCannedOlivespaperphotoyogabbyystephensjimmyre1HeroicFanBoylivvywestermanwta_tennis_fanThisisMrGilbert
    • 529
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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 1,164
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    • 674
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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

    • 1,122
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    dreamthievinpaleface50lopsterflopsterUn4g1v3n_Jax81carlosmolotov12CarvLuvPugrealchickenbob
    • 579
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    FistyScent
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 1,122
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    dreamthievinmriamyBritXNicericonederfulDeLMarSankindofcarolinetheraddestmemeBadLemonNoHope_
    • 608
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    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennKadayo_TakaminiBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 973
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    fishy_smellsmonikaloreleitmoswoleJDWRobinsonashmenschFloodyHippieIts_Miss_Rissericonederful
    • 366
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    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 729
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    jojoforfunthatguyricklopsterflopsterericonederful1confuciousKatieBurnettacpismeMindless4Miles
    • 152
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    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 675
    • LIKES
    dreamthievinlopsterflopsterb4sageProudFFAalumniericonederfuliamspacegirltwizturmind1_swarthy_dude
    • 220
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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I won't even look up from my phone until the 3rd date.

    • 664
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    chocol8unic0rnriamichelleanyharderkimzghomZloyRobotRyanTheGirl_Lil_RuggieKatherine_kogg
    • 344
    • RETWEETS
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    daemonic3mattZillaaaa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.

    • 616
    • LIKES
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    blood_orphan
@daplusk

@daplusk Pro

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