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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,597
    • FAVS
    daMOLDOzerlucidchemistryAlyssaErin94sweechesAlins27Toryplsg78martinezWestonIcedTea
    • 3,188
    • RETWEETS
    lucidchemistryEqualTToppositeBlazeardx3JoBen_Smith_HaveItYourWay_LukestodgeMoxman7EugeneKAPPKVEW
    carlykenGlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 1,994
    • FAVS
    lucidchemistryDonnie_FairburnRandomAnticsSweet_TexSternoShotsfading_roses19hpb777pie_and_dry
    • 870
    • RETWEETS
    fading_roses19hpb777brocktonguyMonkyThundercraneenergyTheAlexPAdamFrench21monicamnm1717
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 1,691
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnKermit_11Dan_NemethADavidGambleMsMizuGamiScott_A_Gilmoreviciousbetty32giraffedicks
    • 778
    • RETWEETS
    LionsayshelloChrisScarletteScott_A_Gilmoreviciousbetty32juneohara65SirJoshMischiefcanadian_eggTheAlexP
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,614
    • FAVS
    lucidchemistryGeorgeRoskomeliah_franklinAlins27Toryplsmwal7MrHudshonmustkane
    • 2,465
    • RETWEETS
    lucidchemistryBrettTheGartyNbNandoBlazeardx3MsBrandyNInkedUpKidderDonnie_FairburnAphidCourtney
    li4mst3w4rtMollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,502
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnRandomAnticsKermit_11RedroseHotnesstrisZJJaneBadalllillyflower44TheDarkAmbient
    • 627
    • RETWEETS
    BigBrianKimaniTheAlexPcozbelligerentAdamFrench21ignaciosslopez00300mellowbear4crackerjak92
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,499
    • FAVS
    _NikkyMUFCNickGrowingOldToryplsFistOfKremlinJake_MarshhMichaelaAlabackBlazeardx3SaddestFinger
    • 998
    • RETWEETS
    _NikkyMUFCelectrobeatjunkBrettTheGartyturkeyboobBlazeardx3queenjewell1984adamlucidiDonnie_Fairburn
    clemdytanGreyPath1__CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,230
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnRandomAnticsKermit_11MadhusudanasanityinabottleRitleySammichdb_stewartcokamouse
    • 623
    • RETWEETS
    MadhusudanaXladeOrainRu_PhilosophusMuktesh_SRaphaHe_artcokamouseIrlTreeOCEzeadi
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,123
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnRandomAnticsTehNemsterjuneohara65MommaBishBlogs_The_Medusa_NIKKIDIAMONDS80TheAlexP
    • 745
    • RETWEETS
    thcJimilyslooberbiejuneohara65NIKKIDIAMONDS80TheAlexPAdamFrench21G_Sam_irshlas74
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 951
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnRandomAnticsshimtweetery__felixosheaTehNemsterkrispythehumanOCEzeadiTheAlexP
    • 507
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexP67orbustAdamFrench21bullitt6454CleverName_HerekimsgreatVodkantotsPeaches_EmJay
    LackOfShametayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 927
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnRandomAnticsericsshadowKermit_11Dan_Nemethonume_LHaveralecozbelligerent
    • 328
    • RETWEETS
    ChrisScarlettecozbelligerentScott_A_Gilmoresara_ashlynnpretty_gravesAdamFrench21BalentColeentjblackburn81
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 805
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnRandomAnticsericsshadowAcademmissionBeardedEoghanFrakkingAwesomecathyperry46TheAlexP
    • 267
    • RETWEETS
    XladeOrainBeardedEoghanTheAlexPmuhammadusmana5AdamFrench21SoGoFuBoo_berries_GetIncorrect
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 658
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnericsshadowTheAlexPAdamFrench21cheeky__galNaomiGlitterVodkantotsli4mst3w4rt
    • 111
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbesVodkantots1bastardangelbeefman138modernquixotemalbecprincess
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 529
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnericsshadowAcademmissionTheAlexP67orbustAdamFrench21LakelandriGreenMonk
    • 117
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPAdamFrench21wsforbesParris__IslandStoney258drjohnblazeConspiracyin559Vodkantots
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 528
    • FAVS
    RandomAnticsericsshadowBurds_1Kermit_11vic_tarusSocialChalleng1msmollybee25karmonetta
    • 285
    • RETWEETS
    XladeOrainAhew86aftermath800BronwynLeighCJamielah_007FashodaFreshNelson_SempeKenHuxley1
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 466
    • FAVS
    RandomAnticsericsshadowKermit_11Bros_anadanielweiss22TheAlexP67orbustAdamFrench21
    • 126
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPAdamFrench21BalentColeenGetongawsforbesParris__Islanddrjohnblazevinitx3
    PeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka

    • 442
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnericsshadowTheAlexPli4mst3w4rtmodernquixoteMonsieurMehrdadItbCashedDipxsss
    • 99
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPmodernquixoteDipxssscathisamazingbeefman138hoveringfalconTheBoydPkasauda
    JustAshleyOkay____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    My wife is such a hypocrite. She tells me that my dick is "too small", but suddenly when it comes to anal it's "too big"

    • 370
    • FAVS
    pol_e_wogRainBroskiTheAlexP67orbustli4mst3w4rt1bastardangelShutUpThatsWhoAussieMuz
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexPbeefman138digitaljuttnv7281clemdytancraneenergycathisamazingmodernquixote
    vagstar
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sending a text is the most efficient way to say "I love you, just not enough to call."

    • 365
    • FAVS
    TheAlexPli4mst3w4rtAnotherDamnLisa1bastardangelReticentTurnipbeefman138MonsieurMehrdadJayneymoo
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    TheAlexP1bastardangelReticentTurnipbeefman138greek2289OrWasIthowe007nv7281
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

    • 333
    • FAVS
    Donnie_FairburnRandomAnticsericsshadowKermit_11K__g_nV_g_nbwebster76juneohara65musculardog
    • 167
    • RETWEETS
    bwebster76SpeightVerajuneohara65musculardogTheAlexPgarypdaley67orbust1bastardangel
    Canadian_HoserCocaine_Burger____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    'We got naked. We fucked.'

    ~ Male version of 50 shades of Grey

    • 330
    • FAVS
    ohheyyitsmeeDonnie_FairburnericsshadowKaitlynGarrettocolberg97Kermit_11PokerNRearjmjohnstonwebs1
    • 181
    • RETWEETS
    Kiki_Shimmerzfl3mnation__dales872VodkaVulcancolberg97VitaminNickPokerNRearjmjohnstonwebs1
    bfriend__
@daplusk

@daplusk
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https://twitter.com/search?q=from%3A%40daplusk&s=03

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