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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.
Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.
Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends
Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign
To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:
In your face!
Love is when there is no "wrong hole."
If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.
Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.
Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked
She wants to fuck me
Had sex with a transvestite the other day.
She took it like a man.
Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.
If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka
I bet the guy who invented cursive writing was drunk.
I called my neighbor Meaghan instead of Megan and she didn't even notice.
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