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  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

    • 3,328
    • FAVS
    kelleyrosereddaniel_frijolesbombfunk75fearofeggsDadCommandoSoConspicSamRothstein87Souldrinker102
    • 2,977
    • RETWEETS
    daniel_frijolesbombfunk75DadCommandoweffy93BlakeGeigerKennyc2653DurtMcHurttStrawberriGin
    GlazerBooHooHoormfnordshwebby3TomSchallyCelebrityChezTheDailySchmuckladyfiredancerReverend_ScottMatt_The_1stlllvvvzzzbigmacherStellacopterloveletterbombslarisasaysIGotsSmartspartiallyproGhetto_TrophycurlycomedyUglyPrick________fullblowndavedoooiiiitthebombdottcomFunny2hipchkk
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    A man died today. He wasn't famous. He wasn't rich, but he was loved. I love you dad.

    • 1,959
    • FAVS
    viciousbabydollDonna_McCoyclemdytanILOVELONTAVIUScornellmalcolmLilBlueBloodBook_Krazyheilnoxus
    • 858
    • RETWEETS
    cornellmalcolmSamaad_AhmedBasavalingaDoreSinghSaabIsBackYaserMujrimmattyranksmodernquixoteLedvedder
    MSN2BEkjataylorSaraESpiveydetroit_etpeachesanscreamZeRoyalBaumer____partiallyproGHCanada__________hipchkkMoistPorkJoeyPositivityimence2RichHarris2BabetteJonesBarebakAssassinskitzoetteporkrimsen________WittyClittytdhurstllvvzz
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I'm so selfish I wear ribbed condoms inside out.

    • 1,628
    • FAVS
    b4sageManeDaddyJanella_DuboisLunaLove47RealPrincessKimbethcwilliams95FabDorkjulianajaeger
    • 737
    • RETWEETS
    Ho0driiichkarlosdavisonRahmennoodle1sly_dogeFelicia_filipOld_EnkiDurtMcHurtthythemafia
    nigelgodwin_jennjennNotJustJack______ImKevinito________mugkipNotDeakins_BKL_____________iwearpajamas______
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sleeping with your ex is like retweeting someone you unfollowed.

    • 1,546
    • FAVS
    sanctugokuchickenNiinjaTheToddWilliamstrmaoGeorgiRose1YWIRCGillsterurekasgold
    • 2,425
    • RETWEETS
    maskedvoyeururekasgoldleslyb4ChaseCoolinsNanOratoRCrystal_P_Beatswmq86MissXana107
    MollyERAgwatts77SaraESpivey
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Studies have found that, on average, a man thinks about sex once every tits seconds.

    • 1,465
    • FAVS
    modernquixoteviciousbabydollProudPapaDuffycornellmalcolm_Ms_Moneypenny_annjasen1gaggedwithspoonLove76B
    • 608
    • RETWEETS
    modernquixoteProudPapaDuffycornellmalcolmLove76BxeknownKingRanch51PicklesnPicklesleechee420
    954LeenOGroperClevelandMothpete
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

    • 1,414
    • FAVS
    sanctugokulukeemery12chickenNiinjaCGillsterherrer_isaccocaeinerichashrawatonion_an
    • 952
    • RETWEETS
    eborg01onion_anthelastdaysrevhythemafiaemilytheskanknigelgodwinlucy_nyholm123madbull1973
    clemdytanGreyPath1CherishMebigmacherPeteypops13payal_vjayneunchained____MouVanLeefluffysuse
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

    • 1,114
    • FAVS
    trentistweetingtrynaluvmyselfMonicaArrowFRYZRenatapotatoTayTayPataderzBoscoPorterGraceHerrenA__SCOTT
    • 546
    • RETWEETS
    TheMColemanMonicaArrowFRYZthedailywiskykstamrdaZielenGeestmagenostxxntwerko____bellmusculardog
    wesjohnson8jamieramonemazizkhalifa
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Ugly people have kids to prove they've had sex.

    • 1,059
    • FAVS
    carlykenRiRiFosterlisakaypricelaceyscleavageTheDanOdakaBeamishBoijackd534_U_K_OU
    • 704
    • RETWEETS
    ZoeElizaSadlerRiRiFosterlisakaypricecaitymarie99fazzaylNaughtyMilzabchatur007KissabiX
    BillArrundaleJackieluvsUK
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I look forward to the day when people will only know Cancer as a Zodiac sign

    • 916
    • FAVS
    musculardogmodernquixoteLilBlueBloodxenakix2243VEGD1Mmalbecprincessrabbitholywordsbrehopeful
    • 490
    • RETWEETS
    modernquixoteBrody_Buhlerluostlergschweggsxenakix2243malbecprincessrabbitholywordsbrehopeful
    tayandmae_jennjennDanny_McH2OBacon_Ball________GetCougarizedElifcelloletsdancebitchsxxprettymuchthejonjohnPurpleReyn
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    To all the doubters who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake:

    In your face!

    • 879
    • FAVS
    MarkActon007pinkcheetah41tanderyleaFancyNancyAnnreverendpoohpantsfacedEmonalishaslooberbie
    • 306
    • RETWEETS
    fazzaylCPTWonderfuckStronger_2015nightstalkingBarondeBoefLone_BratmanMekare225_eyuk
    zachheltzelredpawn3HeyZeus666
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Love is when there is no "wrong hole."

    • 761
    • FAVS
    satirical_ironyMarkActon007pantsfacedVardarliResul_U_K_OUEmonalishaMakesYouGiggleFlyOnTheWa11
    • 246
    • RETWEETS
    Kansas_love_U_K_OUstefanojayDawn_M_modernquixoteMannyontmoonVEGD1MEl_Phillippe
    Bathing_in_Sin____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Foreplay is like eating with a formal dinner setting. You start from the outside and work your way in.

    • 647
    • FAVS
    beefman138modernquixoteBrianIncognitomalbecprincesscathisamazingTrishamottangellgurlVEGD1M
    • 106
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138modernquixotemalbecprincesscathisamazingBrody_Buhlerbig_scottie_69brehopefulawordforaword
    kattcalls________
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Had sex with a transvestite the other day.

    She took it like a man.

    • 514
    • FAVS
    MuskerWistachebeefman138modernquixoteJayneymoormfnordBusterGrabbmjbanksmike_wibs
    • 107
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138modernquixotekatinthehat666clemdytancathisamazingProudPapaDuffyToddHellsKitchMannyontmoon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Today HR told me that I constantly misinterpret what people say as being sexual and I need to stop or I will be sacked

    She wants to fuck me

    • 439
    • FAVS
    musculardogGeorgiRose1beefman138modernquixoteJayneymooImaFlyontheWallcathisamazingTrishamott
    • 114
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138modernquixoteJayneymoocathisamazingVEGD1MJusAnotherMikeLexi__Alexandrarabbitholywords
    PeaceInTruth1
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If life gives you lemons find someone who got vodka

    • 438
    • FAVS
    modernquixoteMonsieurMehrdadItbCashedDipxsssJayneymooDonna_McCoycathisamazingangellgurl
    • 98
    • RETWEETS
    modernquixoteDipxssscathisamazingbeefman138hoveringfalconTheBoydPkasaudamos2mwangi
    JustAshleyOkay____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    If Tom Hanks signature doesn't read as "THanks" he is an idiot.

    • 409
    • FAVS
    ITMikeBRobynKThomsonsattamalsharifMuskerWistachebeefman138modernquixoteMonsieurMehrdadJayneymoo
    • 216
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138modernquixoteJayneymookimt205cathisamazingWordDamageTrishamottPiano_Shop
    adamlucidiYouFuckingWon
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    My wife is such a hypocrite. She tells me that my dick is "too small", but suddenly when it comes to anal it's "too big"

    • 362
    • FAVS
    MuskerWistachebeefman138MonsieurMehrdadFamilyRamblingsJayneymoormfnordannyongannyongclemdytan
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138digitaljuttnv7281clemdytancraneenergycathisamazingmodernquixote6stringdreams
    vagstar
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Sending a text is the most efficient way to say "I love you, just not enough to call."

    • 361
    • FAVS
    ReticentTurnipbeefman138MonsieurMehrdadJayneymoohiimrengreek2289OrWasIthowe007
    • 77
    • RETWEETS
    ReticentTurnipbeefman138greek2289OrWasIthowe007nv7281cathisamazingmodernquixote
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

    • 318
    • FAVS
    RomeyJoumerfarooqi83ImSiddiqKhanMonsieurMehrdadJayneymoocuriousteejcr8zykayrmfnord
    • 158
    • RETWEETS
    fawmaster69JayneymoogorgeouscompanyDonna_McCoyclemdytancraneenergycathisamazingmodernquixote
    Canadian_HoserCocaine_Burger____
  • daplusk
      dak @daplusk

    Kim Jong died because he had no Seoul

    • 318
    • FAVS
    musculardogbeefman138modernquixoteJayneymoocloudypianosTerror_85Craigandryski3BusterGrabb
    • 164
    • RETWEETS
    beefman138modernquixoteclemdytanLunkenDrushOrignalceQueencathisamazingSnarkyLemurAutumnSkye13
    PlatinumShower____kellyskelly
@daplusk

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