Drinking wine purchased at Wal*Mart out of a Yahtzee cup. Any ladies free this weekend?

Just took a nap in a chair, then moved and fell asleep on the couch in case any of you needed a life coach.

@dudeinabearsuit For some reason being followed back by a dude in a bear suit made my day. You know the bear from Conan show?

Saw a lady wipe her dogs ass. Dog waited for it like it expected it. Can you guys recommend ways to un-see things.

Courtney Love murdered kurt cobain 17 years ago today. Time for a trial.

Added sweatpants and diet mt dew to my shopping list in case your wondering how hard I'm trying at life.

@mellopsycho Appreciate someone who's not afraid of retweeting. Thanks for passing the funny on

Hilarious question for making friends w/strangers
Q. Does it smell like updog in here?
Likely A. What's up dog?
I dont know what's up w/ u

Does any rap song discuss buying Peeps at full price? Cause I just did and would like to rock out.

What is LinkedIn? And does it have an "about me" section I can leave blank to avoid people asking questions?

The neighbors know my name my name. Cause I introduced myself last week last week.

16% of children in US are poor? Nope 100% of US children are poor they don't work or own anything save shitty artwork they can't sell

Called comic book store to order a title and staff recognized me by sound of my voice, if you ladies needed another reason to talk to me.

I think I'll just stroke my hair and occasionally smell it cause I'm so damn pretty
#StarbucksCustomers

Greatest event of my week. Cracker Barrel premium cheese on sale at my grocery store.
#sad

@usantidoping I have 10 space people who say Neil Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs on the moon
#GetEmBoys.

@usantidoping I want to harass people who survived cancer too. How can I help!
#PhuckYou#GetRealJobs

Are we all still pretending to like greek yogurt? Or are we admitting its basically battery acid.

@splendidly_dull either add milk and butter or add more potatoes. They are never screwed up just waiting to be fixed.
#breathDeep.

Sweating like Paris Hilton in church
#Zinger