"going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a whorehouse for a hug"

Some guy said I wear as much makeup as a clown so I'm under his bed with a knife. That's what clowns do, right?

I've been noticing on Twitter the funniest ladies are single and the funniest guys are married. Comedy DOES come from a source of pain.

I need a stranger with benefits. I have enough friends.

I've been blowing blow-up dolls all day with helium and I'm going to let them float away tomorrow to freak everyone out.

You can tie a knot in a cherry stem? That's lovely, dear, but last time I checked, no man wants his dick tied in a knot.

Hey guy who just called me fag, your kid is gonna end up gay. Not regular gay, Richard Simmons gay.

Maybe she's born with it... maybe it's Methamphetamine!

My mom told me that a woman will use her vagina to get a man to do things. She called it her secret "Vagenda."

I am single, no kids, and a gay drag queen. Don't start a fight with me. I've got nothing to lose.

I hope I don't get bitten by a vampire when I'm old and have to spend eternity as a senior citizen.

I guess I'm not very kinky in bed. My BF wanted me to say something dirty. I said, "The kitchen! The toilet! Your underpants!"

I consider myself an athlete, I did at least two dozen races last year. Mostly Caucasian.

Pretty girls should try eating makeup to improve their inner beauty.

People in porn will lick buttholes, but I catch a cold from touching a doorknob? Life sucks.

Kids who say "Watch me, Mommy, WATCH ME!" turn into Tweeters who check Favstar after every tweet.

Whenever I see Khloe Kardasian I picture her saying, "Khloe angry, Khloe smash!" and throwing a prius at a group of kids in a playground.

Drag Queens are like car accidents. Everyone wants to see one, but nobody wants to get involved in one.

My neighbor thought I was a whore. No, I'm just having a housewarming...


guests invited one at a time...


in 20 min increments.

I'm sweating like Sarah Palin doing fractions.