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not to brag, but I can "eat soup" with the best of 'em!
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they play a spot machine.
'Honey get me the yoga pants that have the built in girdle'
Ejector seats, but for people who call shotgun and then fall asleep while you're driving.
When I die, fill my browser with porn so that no one sees how many cat videos I've watched.
We need to save all this food we didn't eat.
*throws it all away three days later*
- my family
Wow great job magnets, what do you want a metal?
I think my apartment is haunted bc the lights just turned off and there's literally nobody here who could have paid the electricity bill
*Biden raises hand again*
"But how did they get the house to float if the balloons were fake?"
Joe, it was animated
"Does Walt Disney know?"
Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon