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I have pills bigger than these fun-size Snickers.
When I was a kid we had no internet, wifi or smartphones.
And yet were we bored?
Quit saying I remind you of her.
I HAVEN'T LEFT YOU.
I'm so glad I was young and dumb before camera phones were invented.
And on the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat may ignore it and play with a milk ring instead.
Halloween costume ideas that require no clothing change:
Neighborhood Peeping Tom
It's pathetic the bullshit that women are either sluts or victims is mostly being said by women. I, for one, am neither.
Thought she was serious about leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees.
And then I saw her face.
"I'm gay, I just want to be treated & accepted like everyone else" - Famous gay people who have Press Conferences to announce they're gay!
I WOULD throw my hands in the air like I just don't care, but actually I DO care. I care very much. Maybe too much.
The lady next to me just folded her granola bar wrapper 25 times. Can someone please pick me up from airport jail?
u can't spell THUG LIFE without HUG
How to tell if you're a douche: do you really love saying "it's a feature, not a bug" a lot? You're a douche. A huge, huge douche.
Just watched a guy lose a parking place because he was fucking around, trying to back into it. So my day's all downhill from here.
I just sent a text with 12 exclamation points so do I have to twittercide now?
♫ Because I'm all about that cake, 'bout that cake, no treadmill... ♫
You can just tell by the way animals scurry to protect themselves from cold weather & limited food that they love this time of year, too.
I was gonna start my new diet and then nachos happened.
If you cry when you weigh yourself it helps make the numbers blurry.
"Well, since marijuana is illegal I guess I'll make a cup of chamomile tea," said no one ever. Until just now.
Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon