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Everyone bitching about not getting hoverboards when we should be upset about not getting that sweet ass rehydrator.
For a baby the womb inside of a fat girl must be like getting an executive suite at the Hilton.
The only thing I miss about talking to people on the phone is hanging up on people while talking to them on the phone.
Funny how a nose bleed clears out the crowd in this mall.
Nerds aren't allowed in Zip City Alabama.
I'm "Has to tweet at least once a day so people know I'm not dead" years old.
If we all kill the first person to play Christmas music we could nip this holiday season in the bud right now.
Sure, they may be called "house shoes" but I've found that you can pretty much wear them anywhere you want.
The year is 2089. Toasters are made clear now and no one burns toast or bagels. Crime is at 0%
I think Renee Zellweger looks fantastic. At least she's no longer squinting like Mr. Magoo!
Just saw a child wearing wings. Do I step on it?
Just saw a dead flip flop on the side of the highway.
A cute thing I tell my kids is that making jack-o-lanterns is kinda like Build-A-Bear for poor children.
Sorry I called your kid a freak when I saw that he was left-handed
But dude, they can totally fix that now with science and therapy
Pretty pumped that all the people in this Arby's and I are going to be pooping meat from the same horse tomorrow.
Why in the hell would I go outside when it’s perfectly safe and non-peopley in here?
If you had to pick between your family and a puppy, how long would spend pretending to think about it?
"I don't know what I ate last night, but it ran thru me like a ton of bricks"
I've never seen a slim man named Jim.
Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon