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I miss that new-boyfriend smell.
There's only so much one man can do, unless of course it's a different man from me. That man could probably do way more.
goodnight honey, there's no monsters in your room, just kidding, so many monsters, I'm getting the fuck out of this monster room. night
FUN GAME: Find out who's ticklish on a public bus
Rocket scientists hope we never find out just how easy rocket science really is.
My monocle is just a broken Christmas light tied to a shoelace :(
Keep me in your thoughts today. I'm getting surgery to have my expectations lowered.
Dad has really started behaving himself since I learned where the shut-off valve on his oxygen tank is.
"Don't be that guy"
- Me, helping my tranny friend pick an outfit
Vegetables take a lot less time to cut and prepare for a meal if you just stuff them into the garbage disposal.
Mmmmm, this cheesecake tastes like those 70 squats were definitely in vain.
Nothing tastes as good as a blowjob feels.
My server doesn't know what "bring me a Fred Flintstone" means at this steak house. Jeeez
What kind of M&M's do you like best peanut or plain well you're wrong because it's peanut butter.
I really miss making out.
I'm only a sniper so I don't have to run after anyone. Pew Pew.
If the Republicans love Vladimir Putin so much why don't they change their stance on gay marriage so they can marry him?
I'm so old I still catch myself using "Nut'n honey!" as a catch-phrase.
If it makes you smile, giggle, laugh or orgasm, keep doing it until it hurts and makes you cry.
Emmy award winner. My Dad owns a Banjo. http://t.co/ZGpzAPdSr4