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I wish I loved anything in life as much as housewives love starting shit on twitter.
[unveiling of the wheelbarrow]
"It needs a snappier name. What's the primary function?"
"Moving horse shit about."
"Wheelbarrow is fine."
I just walked to a bar like a god damn homeless person.
"By the time you read this letter, I'll be long gone."
*car won't start*
Oh god damn it.
Sometimes when I run out of Thin Mints, I just sprinkle chocolate on my toothpaste...delicious!!!
People without kids...how does it feel to have a complete set of spoons and bowls?
My tweets are about as truthful as a 15yr old boy.
It's not perjury if you wink at the Bible and slap the bailiff's ass.
You know your new born baby is fucking ugly when they put it in an incubator with tinted windows.
Nothing worse than asking your woman for sex and having the request declined due to insufficient fun.
co-worker - "I don't know what my kids want for Christmas! What would you like if you were them?"
me - "A reason to go to an orphanage."
"quack quack" -a duck freeing the slaves during the civil war.
I've decided I HATE that guy who always yells "SPROING-OING-OING!!" right after he unzips at the urinal.
Me: How are you? (Making small talk)
HR Lady: I don't feel well.
Me: That stinks. Do you want me to take your temperature??
Jeez, can't a guy find himself a nice hobby without everyone forming "the legend of the chupacabra" around it?!
One day I'll say 'on my way' and really mean it.
Capitalize proper nouns, you piece of shit.
Shhhh be very quiet, I'm hunting for Motrin
You've gotta be pretty confident or very stupid to excuse yourself and take a dump on a first date.
Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon