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I will *never* give up trying to become invisible. Have I made myself clear?
Even after a shower, I smell like the Baltimore Aquarium.
I want the Human Torch to cauterize my vagina
The difference between a Dorito and a veggie chip is roughly the difference between an ice cream truck and pencil shaving.
Nothing screams Canadian hooker like a denim corset
At the Take A Shit Foundation we give people laxatives and suppositories. I think it's important to do what you love.
Just found a copy of "Microsoft Office Word 2003 For Dummies." I poured Wite-Out over everything in it & wrote in "Upgrade your software."
Probably the worst role model for kids was Sweetie Dog, a cartoon character who solved problems by eating really sugary foods.
Do you think we've made ducks self-conscious about their lips?
Down South we take "Friday" literally. We deep-fry some shit.
Who called it the Ashley Madison data breach and not the Mistress Blowout Sale?
At my funeral there'll be a 37 minute montage of me looking at my phone ringing then ignoring the call.
I'm a great friend for people who have a whole lot of patience.
Whenever I'm over ordering, I hear the song, "Here I go again..."
Are you gonna eat that? http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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