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What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new surname.
What I don't understand about these girls that do webcam shows is I've seen hotter Walmart cashiers.
Know that if you wear a lightweight summer scarf, you are an asshole.
It helps when you don't care what anyone says about anything ever. I'm working on that. It's liberating.
Crazy glue is made from schizophrenic horses
A behind the scenes history of Wheel of Fortune
PAT: wanna fuck?
VANNA: naw, I'm good
VANNA: wanna fuck
PAT: naw, I'm good
Statistics show that you're more likely to discover your hooker was a transvestite than you are to be attacked by a shark.
Things that are not what they're named:
1) chicken fried steak
2) Rocky mountain oyster
3) my ex's manhood
The deal is: if you can't remember a drunk call conversation at 3:00 in the morning, I get to make up facts to fuck with your mind.
I didn't tweet yesterday because my back went out on me and I never realized how much of my back I put into tweeting.
Why do you think girls named Angel always look too fat to fly?
My sleep number is insomnia.
What does it say when half my freezer door is used to store ice packs?
Captain's log: Day 32, abstinence is starting to spread to the brain. Now everyone seems annoying.
Please don't wake me tomorrow. Just let me naturally rise like a morning glory, but not in the morning.
The boyfriend and I are having quite the wild night discussing "lay" and "lie."
It's not a successful shopping trip unless everyone comes home with something they don't really need because it's on sale.
I'm on vacation. Even if God himself called me personally to ask me to call into His staff meeting today, I'd say no.
Just tried replaying the game on my laptop by touching the screen. I better stop drinking now.
A great personality cancels out the need to have a hot body and good looks, right? Please say yes.
Are you gonna eat that? http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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