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I'm trying to think of a tree pun, but I'm stumped.
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Asshole buttlick cunt twat pussy fuck.
Brb gonna go dog-ear all the naughty pages in the Library of Congress.
Your FB pancake picture looks like a buttplug, and now I want buttplug pancakes.
I just got cut off in traffic by some woman busy talking on her cell phone! She made me spill my Cheerios all over my newspaper.
I think electing Jeb Bush president makes sense. He could pick up looking for those WMD in Iraq.
My body is my sculpture and my sculpting tools are cheeseburgers and beer.
Why are there reflective ceilings in this bathroom? That's what the guy in the next stall just texted someone. Giving him a thumbs up now.
Is it even possible to listen to country and not want to kill yourself? I have been sawing my wrist with a plastic butter knife for an hour.
Takes pants off, gets on table on hands and knees
Hubs: wow honey, on the table?
Me: no, I'm practicing for my meeting with the IRS
Nice try, Kanye, but something tells me you've never let anyone finish.
6 year old joke? NAILED IT.
So apparently the IRS auditors don't appreciate me bringing a mini trampoline to this meeting.
*puts bra back on*
Once you begin to see that everything has a silver lining you have cataracts.
I'm so upset that Dane left The Direction.
Is it pronounced methamphetamine or meth-a-amphetemine? I need to call in late to work.
I need to retweet more to get more attention so stop kissing each others asses and tweet something funny.
I should be better at this by now http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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