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I hate it when I'm getting ready to pour a glass of wine & then my son asks me to take him somewhere.
Red solo cup, it is!
I watch Catfish with my kids bc I think learning that people lie on the Internet is as important as any lesson they'll ever learn in school.
Don't mind me. I was just trying to get a decent picture for your obituary.
I think it's pretty cool that Bruce Jenner is gonna be a transformer.
It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive Me.
If you need me I'll be in the electronics section.
-Me every time I go to target with my family.
It's awesome when my eyes are really bloodshot on date night so I can awkwardly mention I'm really not a drug user.
What really pisses me off about this hangover is that I didn't drink anything.
OK, guys... I'm going out to be responsible and social and happy now.
I'll be back to be a miserable crank soon. Don't wait up!
YES. The sex change went quite well, thanks.
Too many weeds not enough flowers.
"If you need me I'll be on Pinterest"
I have a plate of homemade cookies to take to my dad, but I bet he'd love an e-card just as much.
There are other people at the mall and its pretty gross
I may be funny, gorgeous, STD free and have a great ass, but have any of you noticed how modest I am? That's my best quality.
According to auto-correct, I'm not fat. I'm big bonehead.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
I sure am going to miss David Letterman http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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