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Let's beat a dead horse with all those high horse jokes.
When they tranquilize animals in the wild to put tags in their ears, it'd be cool if they also dressed them in scary monster costumes.
Diet Status : Enjoying 'Squirrels Delight’…the ultra high fiber cereal made from wood chips, dirt and sweetened with a hint of pine sap.
Seems like a good day to determine the local grocery store's limit on how many questions they'll answer about canned corn.
Sometimes you're the tornado. Sometimes you're the mobile home.
I just completed 8 hrs of outback driving without hitting a kangaroo. I must be some sort of God.
Naked and Afraid + Dating Naked - Naked = Dating Afraid, my new reality show
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Me: There is a guy in a Everclear t-shirt and he's cock blocking everyone at this party!
Four out of five dentists agree that you shouldn't illegally kill beloved lions.
The older you get, the closer you are to becoming everything you swore you'd never be.
Meek Mill would be a good name for a small town in Vermont
Jurassic Park deleted scene - A triceratops baby gets tangled up in a tennis net
I was going to write a James Woods tweet, but I didn't want to jeopardize the $27.93 I have saved up in my 401K.
'From heroin, to heroine. Congrats on your rehab'
~Hallmark cards made easy
My Son beat cancer.
Anything that happens after this moment, is irrelevant.
Nothing in this world takes longer than a 9 year old telling you about a video they saw on YouTube.
I'm not too fond of these new shirts everyone's wearing with the date I'll die on them
Are you gonna eat that? http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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