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Menus are for people who don't know how to point at food and yell.
I ran the text of Sarah Palin's last speech through Babblefish and it said, "Fuck off with that shit, man, stop playing around."
- the ultimate tramp stamp
I spend most of my time on conference calls Googling "luxury Caribbean resorts".
FINALLY—the deviant crowd is up. You had me feeling alone and compulsive there for a moment.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Remember when it was fun?
"Oh. My. God. I didn't realize I was married to Rain Man" is what my husband just said, in case you need me to count something or play piano
Sometimes I imagine my last tweet being read at my funeral and suddenly I am overcome with a peculiar brand of stage fright.
It would be easier to quit smoking if I didn't take everybody's lighter
Sometimes I pretend to be drunk and fall into random strangers so I can get a hug. I also have two stab wounds.
A refresh button for my wineglass.
I hate to break it to you but your skies are not bigger, your trees are just shorter.
Respect is like oral sex. If you don't give it, you're not gonna get it.
My wife has left me, taken all her stuff and says she'll hate me forever until I stop being so optimistic.
Still, could be worse.
C'monnnnn end-of-winter sales! Mama needs some new boots!
Sittin' at home on a Saturday night, catching up on TV and eating a bologna sandwich, like gangstas do.
Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon