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Today might be a good day to investigate the workplace policy on going home early if you have blood all over you.
I'm done quoting 90's songs, because I'm about right here, right now, & there is no other place I wanna be.
Texted my oldest son that he needed to "crank it" and I sincerely hope he knows I meant the lawn mower
Remember, kids - be careful on the jet skis this weekend. Just like the pilgrims had to be on the very first Memorial Day.
Man, that Duggar asshole is REALLY going to regret believing in a fiery, torturous, eternal hell.
Don't forget to make him miserable for the rest of his life for that one mistake he made.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was "Elevator Buttons."
I once asked my class who Plato was. A hand shot up from the back: "Do you mean the planet or the dog?"
Let the climate boil, I say.
Sometimes I like to walk around dragging an opened parachute behind me, just so people will think my life's a lot more interesting.
Since we can't be certain what happens after death, I'm haunting my house while I'm still alive.
Everyone was so impressed with my ability to imitate animal noises that they gave me my own section on the bus, out of respect.
If you rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I payed the most for are my son's braces.
I'd be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Her: Doctor, is there anything we can do?
Me: We could go for nachos!
Her: I meant with my husband.
ME: Oh he can't come he's a vegetable.
If you're fretting over a need for new emojis then your life's already good enough.
If you're childish enough to call it a "wazoo" then I guess I shouldn't be surprised you've been sticking things up there.
You just can't find a decent paddle-ball set anymore. Guess I've gotta find some other way to make an asshole of myself.
A cute thing I tell my kids is that the world is their oyster. And then I give them an oyster to try and they realize, the world sucks.
I sure am going to miss David Letterman http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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