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  • thejakeshenry
      Jake @thejakeshenry

    I've never been to a house where the pizza slot on the door is wide enough to fit the pizza through.

    • 13
    • FAVS
    niteshkmr0202JazzzzzminaK8HallM0llyrul3sAllie_FloodPrincesscarweedarinlovesbaconPuddingBoobs
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    Dewitt13SaraFingDuck_aberdeengmossiijustbernal
  • Dawn_M_
      dawn @Dawn_M_

    Yes I did say you looked like a giant marshmallow wearing a wig on your wedding day

    But remember the most important thing. I looked amazing

    • 49
    • FAVS
    shawnspreeSidyxOBrowneyed_mamaVitt2tsnocVodkantotszerofish75Sweet_Leafs_bobw1o
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    Browneyed_mamaVodkantotszerofish75Sweet_Leafs_ihuffpainttomw1984TheSchnizzy_NTFG_
  • Dawn_M_
      dawn @Dawn_M_

    There's a fine line between a tweeter and a personality disorder.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    dejavuskyeryangriffithsrage_chaosSurlyJoncorrupthoughtJwoww_11Vodkantotscarlyme23
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    VodkantotsI_SEE_THRU_YOUGrumpyBahrshot_of_cabofernandoegemaleen__bossy_bootztomw1984
    amyistrouble
  • nayele18
      Renee @nayele18

    Meant to tell my neighbor, "Have a nice day," but it came out as "I'll burn your house down if your dog shits in my yard one more time."

    • 19
    • FAVS
    YolandaRichard7darinlovesbaconNuitsheuanchristina7048KortNeEidsunMentalAbortionsgrsdlightningLindaInDisguise
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Nuitsheuanchristina7048lillymacusGrabTheWEnessArtemuDakeDesuMyOtherGlove
  • Dawn_M_
      dawn @Dawn_M_

    I like to play it cool on a first date by taking all my clothes off and showing him pictures of wedding rings.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    ryangriffithsMarybburnettBeenToHellPalBigmike79743806imamunterVodkantotsHockeyGoddess24carlyme23
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    ryangriffithsVodkantotscarlyme23I_SEE_THRU_YOUSurlyJonGrumpyBahridealist1234JerynnNicole
    darinlovesbacon
  • Dawn_M_
      dawn @Dawn_M_

    Congratulations on your new crush. No one gives a flying shit. We are all just waiting for the inevitable break up and crazy subtweet war.

    • 80
    • FAVS
    happygirlbrettBeenToHellPalSurlyJontattoobunnyFreneticGeekVodkaTiemSassMouthsVodkantots
    • 48
    • RETWEETS
    zTequilademonMagathaaaaGosellsomethingVodkaTiemVodkantotsAbbey_Sunidealist1234rushilawasthi24
  • oneibrandi
      Brandi @oneibrandi

    When waiting in line for pictures with the Easter Bunny whisper to the kid in front of you, "The Easter Bunny has fleas."

    • 3
    • FAVS
    darinlovesbaconveronaway2nayele18
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    darinlovesbacon
  • nayele18
      Renee @nayele18

    Spending the day at home with my family would be a lot more fun if we were doing something completely different. And they weren't here.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    darinlovesbaconNuitsheuanCBrwnzLiberalistapartypants_grsdlightningshellebelle3StephenBCramer
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    NuitsheuanelleymichAvatar_unknown_48
  • nayele18
      Renee @nayele18

    Peeps for breakfast, because fuck it, why not?

    • 16
    • FAVS
    lllvvvzzzdarinlovesbaconCBrwnzClarkDaniinativeminnowStephenBCramershutterbugwinkHEADBITCHSOPH
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    lllvvvzzzForeverHairyAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • causticbob
      Bob Kostic @causticbob

    In an attempt to appeal to a younger generation, the Catholic church have decided to rename Easter Sunday to Zombie Jesus Day.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    zenaodkrompiradarinlovesbaconAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    2SPOCK_AstroKidAronAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • oneibrandi
      Brandi @oneibrandi

    My neighbor likes to let her kids play with the remote to her van every Saturday morning so the Easter Bunny brought my kids boat horns.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    darinlovesbaconnayele18
  • Robert_Beau
      C'est la vie @Robert_Beau

    I'll be having communion at the house.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    TDeeRockdurangojack66pussy_woesbossy_bootzAddledPixieSchtickzingerheatlebjornMudvilleOutlook
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    pussy_woesAddledPixieQueefTornadoClassicDeepCutsLove2Tapd2BMcGcandyhh15
  • sara_ashlynn
      Sara @sara_ashlynn

    When the IRS calls, I yell, "I'm coming. I'm coming."

    They really love that.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    martyntantonSgtButtCheeksjunejuly12JimmerThatisAllBerrryDLite_SetTheHook_nayele18Cunda22
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    martyntantonbrianburchett24lllvvvzzzAmiigat
  • sara_ashlynn
      Sara @sara_ashlynn

    Your Angelina Jolie avi is hot. Catfish me.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    HighestHeathershut_uupbobw1odarkroomvBmittoneSunnySideUp1987ashlar36brianburchett24
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    SunnySideUp1987brianburchett24AkolBenjaminprotolaliaBerrryDLiteSierraLaFeversFatuousFloozyHighHellion_xo
  • welfarehoe
      Manic Momday @welfarehoe

    I answered so many Easter bunny questions today I don't know what's real anymore.

    • 52
    • FAVS
    Abfableemak718StarksWeekfefespeaksAdam14envydatropicParentEsqBobinhiding
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    StarksWeekbomb_shell80scottthetwathillbillyslutmstluvstrinketsbacon_gillepicGrantTanakaidigcrazychics
  • soccerskiingmom
      Sara @soccerskiingmom

    Hey kids, the Easter Bunny only comes after 8AM so you should all sleep in.

    And other white lies we tell as parents.

    • 8
    • FAVS
    gsu9696haffnerryanrbmojodarinlovesbaconjon_aleyDavidS1206welfarehoe50Shades_Dave
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    welfarehoe50Shades_DavecrotchfruitsAvatar_unknown_48
  • Brianhopecomedy
      Brian Hope @Brianhopecomedy

    Making the Easter egg hunt more difficult this year by tossing a few in the urn.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    LuvPugBeingTooHonestNicodemushermc_funbagstheGingercornericsshadowkthnxbithewayJenny4ashley
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    theGingercornJenny4ashleydanieldcolvinSomthinBoutSaraMatt_The_1stec0xxPaperWashiRealTonyT
  • nayele18
      Renee @nayele18

    Ignore me like you're one of my kids.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    CBrwnzveronaway2cloudypianosAllieAlllvvvzzzSuMacDanJDwinalmrfasteddie69
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    jeffer9706lllvvvzzzHousewifeSavantBrowneyed_mamaslyoung5GinGanderfortunecookie23DadandBuried
    sara_ashlynn
  • runawaycupcake
      Cuppy @runawaycupcake

    There is no way I can say "fill her up" at the gas station without winking. :(

    • 18
    • FAVS
    Black__ElvisdarinlovesbaconwsorourkeJandalizetech_pirateWolfinStormNE14NaCl_aqcjcapbt
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    cjcapbt
  • nayele18
      Renee @nayele18

    If I was on a reality show, it would just be me taking naps and picking cookie crumbs out of my cleavage.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    CBrwnzcheebourg37AllieAHaciendaSquishSuMacDanDrTGeldenhuysIMBeanzLuindriel
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    Hey_rynhardtHaciendaSquishDrTGeldenhuysslyoung5KARMASBFFcelestinelea90OpenClassMXTrudacious

Darin McFunkyPants’ Recent Discoveries

@darinlovesbacon

@darinlovesbacon
Pro

Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon

Tweets that @darinlovesbacon has recently discovered and favorited or retweeted.