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I've never been to a house where the pizza slot on the door is wide enough to fit the pizza through.
Yes I did say you looked like a giant marshmallow wearing a wig on your wedding day
But remember the most important thing. I looked amazing
There's a fine line between a tweeter and a personality disorder.
Meant to tell my neighbor, "Have a nice day," but it came out as "I'll burn your house down if your dog shits in my yard one more time."
I like to play it cool on a first date by taking all my clothes off and showing him pictures of wedding rings.
Congratulations on your new crush. No one gives a flying shit. We are all just waiting for the inevitable break up and crazy subtweet war.
When waiting in line for pictures with the Easter Bunny whisper to the kid in front of you, "The Easter Bunny has fleas."
Spending the day at home with my family would be a lot more fun if we were doing something completely different. And they weren't here.
Peeps for breakfast, because fuck it, why not?
In an attempt to appeal to a younger generation, the Catholic church have decided to rename Easter Sunday to Zombie Jesus Day.
My neighbor likes to let her kids play with the remote to her van every Saturday morning so the Easter Bunny brought my kids boat horns.
I'll be having communion at the house.
When the IRS calls, I yell, "I'm coming. I'm coming."
They really love that.
Your Angelina Jolie avi is hot. Catfish me.
I answered so many Easter bunny questions today I don't know what's real anymore.
Hey kids, the Easter Bunny only comes after 8AM so you should all sleep in.
And other white lies we tell as parents.
Making the Easter egg hunt more difficult this year by tossing a few in the urn.
Ignore me like you're one of my kids.
There is no way I can say "fill her up" at the gas station without winking. :(
If I was on a reality show, it would just be me taking naps and picking cookie crumbs out of my cleavage.
Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon