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"This is so cool!!!" - how to ruin a threesome
Tropical paradise desktop wallpaper makes me think of hanging myself with a power strip cord.
Screw this Paw Patrol crap. Time to introduce these little demons to Ren, Stimpy, Beavis, and Butthead
I think my Mom just friendzoned me
What I need is a job where I can be stoned. And something to get me stoned. And some way to keep from becoming addicted. And a slice of pie.
I'm being kicked out of my church for not going. This seems counterproductive.
One neat thing about having kids is all the married sex you get to have before the divorce.
The zombie apocalypse is taking FOREVER!
Been listening to the radio with my kids, and—maybe it's just me—but some of these lyrics seem sexual.
I'm old enough to remember when people paid for U2 albums instead of googling how to delete them off the new iPhone.
People who don't try to be funny and don't know they are funny are the most funny
911 WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
My wife is having contractions
HOW FAR APART?
She meant "your" but wrote "you're", so pretty far ap--
Co-worker almost just knocked me out with the ladies room door. My only gripe is that she wasn't successful.
Sorry I retweeted a McLovin parody account.
If you say, "Fuck me for trying" that's considered an invitation and I shouldn't have to defend myself to a jury of my peers
I put on driving gloves like Ryan Gosling except instead of being a getaway driver w/a sleek sportscar I have a Kia & am going to the market
Ordered an iPhone on Thursday, got delivered today. Haha suckers who waited in line.
I don't think Lucky Charms are "magically delicious." I'm pretty sure it's just lots of sugar and not the dangerous world of the occult.
Singer, song writer and drummer for Hank Telford & the Wild Onions. I once had sex on an air mattress. http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon