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Never trust a $1.99 book.
"There he sits, blinking and bewildered, like a chicken in the sun." - the kind of thought that passes through my head when I see an idiot
STAR WEXT: i'm han solo tonight!!!!!!! i wanna put my luke skywalker in your tauntaun
Asked the employee at Sports Authority where the knee braces were, and now they're walking me to the back of the store with a shotgun.
Latest Spider-Man reboot spares no expense for special effects. Edge of seat over here! https://twitter.com/Dana_Bruno/status/351065177837404160 …
I imagine there's quite a few celebs viewing internet real estate sites in Canada right now.
I'm hearing Trump's VP pick will be Omarosa.
If CSI ever has to analyze what's under my fingernails, they'll know I couldn't have committed the crime 'cause I was too busy eating.
I can't run in marathons because I have bad knees. I've been telling people that for 10 years because it sounds better than I'm fat and lazy
Learn how to deal with your emotions. I like to eat mine... I also drink them, smoke them, fart them, cry them. Hey, whatever works for you.
I'm still sitting in the bleachers here at Talladega Speedway. Where did everyone go?
My mom can't tell you if she likes something unless she looks at the price tag first.
if you're upset over Elsa being gay wait til you find out about things that actually matter. like the suicide rate of LGBT youth
It's like nobody at this Chili's wants to fight me.
I don't like people having more followers than me or less followers than me.
...watches a bird fly into a window over and over again.
I'm just saying that if I was floating around in outer space, I'd still be horny.
Everyone else complains about work and I'm over here thinking, "Woohoo! People pay me money to talk to me!"
I only take my kid to the therapist so there will be someone to share the blame later.
Are you gonna eat that? http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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