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You know there had to be at least one time when Scotty showed up for work drunk and beamed some poor guy into a wall.
DNC Boss: Are we ready for the balloon drop tonight?
Staffer: Yes, sir. 10,000 helium balloons ready to drop.
[twitter has 313 million users]
"That tweet was about me wasn't it?"
Tim Kaine always looks like he's seconds from laughing and Mike Pence always looks like he's seconds from screaming
Whenever I see anybody peeking at my notes during a meeting, I immediately start drawing a smiling peach wearing a cowboy hat eating a baby.
Sometimes I walk in a neighbor's kitchen and can't remember why I'm there—
Usually I just make a sandwich and call the # written on my hand
New Follower SHANTELEismann also has no tweets and seems to rely on her SHANTELS for Followers. Much love on your journey Miss Shanties.
Signed Sealed Delivered.
This man. Is our president. Sometimes I still can't believe a person this good got to be president.
maybe I'll start a podcast
*canned laughter forever
*offers lid a glass of wine and a cigarette*
Im tired of making promises & then not keeping them.
So from now on, I promise:
no more promises.
The next First Lady of the United States just spoke. Bill didn't have an impossible accent, and never stole a word from Michelle Obama.
ME: Have fun at the haunted house
KIDS: But this is grandma's house
ME: *driving away* SEE YOU IN A WEEK
If I ever protest something, I'd do a sit in. I'd be really good at a sit in. Especially if I could bring my couch. And snacks.
Sorry for the confusion, but when I asked you to bring me something from your trip, I meant something someone would actually want.
I've lost a few things on this vacation:
My book about never finishing that book you're working on is almost finished.
Are you gonna eat that? http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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