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Taking a Twitter break
until June 1st or until I'm funny,
whichever comes first.
Can't wait until we're all riding around in those self-crashing cars.
Berets are cool. What are some other good hats that make it look like something soft oozed out of the top of your head?
6 year old: That guy is a real douche!
Me: Don't repeat what Mommy yells in traffic.
"Put your money in a company that makes 'Men' & 'Women' signs for restrooms," they said. "There will always be a need for those," they said.
The roofer just called to say all the shingles are on the house so I'm not paying him.
If you can put a straw in a juice box without it skeeting all over you, you my friend are my hero...
I've officially transitioned from consultant to employee, so I guess I can start complaining and lower my efficiency now.
Every college brochure looks like they waited to snap photos until at least 4 people of different ethnicities were close enough together.
Did you know that you can own as many mannequins as you want? It's like nobody's even keeping track. I have 77 and I'm getting a divorce.
Best thing about Bob Dylan's birthday party would have to be that Bob Dylan won't be singing "Happy Birthday."
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I like a pillow that's not too soft. A little sponginess is good but it's gotta have firmness. Oh yeah, & of course, covers the whole face.
Got fired as a birthday clown cuz I'm only trained in rodeo clowning & parents complained about my jumping in trash cans when kids chased me
Mr. Potatohead is an American icon, universally beloved for generations, and yet my co-worker STILL hates his new nickname.
IN JUDAS PRIEST VOICE:
Walking the dog, walking the dog
Glad I never fulfilled my childhood dream of becoming a Rhinestone Cowboy.
Are you gonna eat that? http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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