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Maybe natives like being slaughtered. Did you ever think of that?
I've been sad but I've never been as sad as this couch in the ditch on this rural road wondering where his family went...
Leftover pizza? That doesn't even make sense.
My origami skills have never gotten me laid. Thank god.
I'd rather be MC Hammer than Jimmy Nail.
half of your Tweets are Rammstein lyrics!!!
Lighten the mood during business meetings by imitating the lonesome howl of the lovesick Sasquatch.
- things Columbus discovered before discovering America
I've been getting notifications all morning that people have added me on Google+ and I'm scared it may be an intervention.
Sorry I'm late for work, but I forgot my hairspray and we both know I won't get anything done if these guys don't do what I tell them to do.
I've reached the age where some of my most rewarding evenings are spent alone with a pair of tweezers.
Being an adult is mostly just spending all your time maintaining a bunch of stuff you once thought you wanted.
Was pretty excited to be staying on the same hotel floor as the Marine soccer team until I realized they're kids sponsored by a marina.
You know you travel too much when your phone wifi automatically connects to every hotel you walk into.
I wish Roomba would invent a robot to hold my hand, tell me it will all be alright, and then vacuum the house.
"YOU CAN'T KEEP RUNNING AWAY FROM THE TRUTH!" I yell at a confused clump of marathoners
If I was a football player I would skip on and off the field just to piss everyone off.
Are you gonna eat that? http://favstar.fm/users/darinlovesbacon
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