The Never Ending Story should've been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

If my life was hooked up to a GPS you would constantly hear "Recalculating."

My wife says I can see other women as long as she's prettier than them and she can shove a spiked 2x4 up my ass before we go to bed

Pac Man had an eating disorder and so did his fat, whore wife

Cannibalism probably got started after somebody started chewing his fingernails and just got carried away

I told the waitress tonight that I was hungry like the wolf and she looked at me like my Mom did when I tried explaining the movie Inception

Asking kids to help clean the house is like asking the dog to take the car in for an oil change

I can't imagine anything worse than being on that Carnival Cruise ship for all that ti... OH SHIT! A METEOR! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

If I was in a boy band, I'd be the guy who always said "ahhhh yeah girl" in every song

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Valentine's Day is a bunch of bullshit

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way

I bet the elf on the shelf at my house is getting really tired of watching me eat cereal in my underwear

My wife would let me have a 3-way with crack whores before she'd ever let me pick the kids' outfits for our Christmas photo

Is it wrong that I taught my kids how to shotgun a juicebox?

Top 3 most desperate cries for help

3. Can you loan me some money?
2. Please help me move
1. How do I delete these pictures off Facebook?

It all comes down to this... if what you want for Christmas can only be bought on Black Friday... then you're not fucking getting it.

This Sunday on a very special The Walking Dead, humans and walkers put their differences aside and sit down together for Thanksgiving dinner

My Dad would make a horrible Ninja. Rattling change in his pockets would give him away every time.

Top 5 things Facebook users are thankful for:
5 soccer practice cancelled
4 no rain
3 Jill brought bagels to work
2 liking things
1 Friday

I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?