if i had to get a glass eye, i'd make it a snow globe depicting the accident that cost me my eye

i can tell a lot about a person by making things up

pretty convenient how the only serving sizes soy sauce comes in are "not quite enough" and "now you've ruined your rice"

i imagine most pirates get their eye patches just a little while after they get their hooks

if i’m in the bathroom too long & there’s chuckling my wife knows i’m giving myself a variety of progressively smaller moustaches as I shave

putting a febreze label on an air horn turned out to be one of the best ideas i've ever had

i won't correct your pronunciation but next time we're around a group i'll steer the conversation towards your having to say that word again

wife read one of my tweets out loud. didnt use my voice, for starters, missed a pause, wrong inflection. i came off like some kinda lunatic

speed bumps, my ass. if anything, they slow you down

i get the sense that running into someone from twitter in real life would feel a lot like bumping into a co-worker in a bath house

I don't talk shit about people based on nationality because the only assholes I actually know personally are from my own country

Found out today that the only settings on my parent's shower head that work are The Dribbler and Laser Assault.

if you're gonna tell me stories about people i don't know, mom, would it hurt to call them ice raven & megaclaw instead of gordon & phyllis?

if you say "mentaling" instead of "thinking" people still get what you mean but are discouraged from asking further questions

a cat that walked erect on really long hind legs would be creepy, espec if it stayed up late at night whistling & going through your drawers

i assume that in the future we will eventually start building really fat robots so we can feel better about ourselves

maybe 2012 will be the year we finally start running out of celebrity chefs

parades are just rush hour with everyone dressed up. what's that? a colourful traffic jam? yes, of course I'd like to watch that.

from now on, if someone asks me a question that i am going to answer, i will let them know that that is, indeed, some of their bee's wax

If I had a roadside berry stand I'd call it "Highway Strawberry" & charge exorbitant prices. people would be mad at first but laugh later.