Clickity clack, clickity clack, clickity clack. Stab stab stab. Clickity clack, clickity clack, clickity clack.

Amish drive by.

Sometimes I just don't have anything to say, so I keep my mouth shut. Thus not putting my foot in it. Unless I'm sucking on someones toes..

I'd offer oral sex for stars, but I'm afraid more guys than girls would call me on this.

Dropping pot seeds in plants at Lowes.

Too much of a good thing causes orgasms. Too much of a great thing causes marriage. Too much of a drunk thing causes kids.

My inner child just lied to me! I think somebody need a spanking.

Twitter has gone down on me so many times today I'm thinking of asking it to marry me. That way it will never go down again!

I'm running so far behind, I can see my own ass. Hey sexy wait up!

Regrets? Yes I have two of them. The first one I divorced and the second one isn't far off.

Things got a little too kinky in the shower this morning. I had to use my safe word twice, on my self!

When I google bacon I get twitter. When I tweet bacon I get stars. Win!

If my wife ever reads my post on twitter I'll end up divorced. Hey honey it's spelled D A R K D R A G G O N. Hurry up already would ya. ::D

The good thing about soaking the eggs in Vodka over night?

Watching the kids play dodge ball this afternoon.

Can I write off the sex slaves I keep in the basement as dependents? They depend on me for everything.

Sometimes my fingers type faster than my brain can think.

I'm the man your dad left your mom for! Wait..... What???

Me being married is why I'm not stalking You!

The Easter bunny came early & didn't even pull out.

In a darkened moment of despair I typed the word queefed for the first time in my life. Thank you twitter my life has been forever enriched!

My wife wants us to take a vacation to get away from it all. I want to take one to get away from just her & her voice!