Whenever my girlfriend is fawning over some super-cute animal video, I look over and think "I bet that would taste awesome!"

Whoa there, guy who likes Tide detergent on Facebook. Slow down! Pace yourself. Save some excitement for the weekend.

TIP: If you're going to kill someone, kindness is an ineffective weapon... on the plus side, it's damned near untraceable, so there's that.

When I see someone type <3 I always read it as "less than tits".

If we did invent time travel, the most popular period in history to visit would be... 24 hours ago.

Did I butt dial you? Good god, no!... I keep the phone in my front pocket. #awkward

Somewhere out there is a guy who's spirit animal is a dung beetle.

Yes officer, I'm aware of the speed limit. I have to accelerate to 88mph to engage the flux capacitor and get home to my own time in 2013.

I made myself a mixed tape because I'm dating myself.

If you're holding something radioactive, drop it like it's hot!

All those zombie survivalists are going to be so underprepared... when the alien invasion starts.

We should raise the sales tax on Truck Nuts to 500% and use the revenue for better education... especially sex-ed.

"I'm gonna be balls deep in that McDonalds play-land!" - kids

I think it's ironic that people who say "everyone is stupid" are never doing anything interesting with their own lives.

It's "batmobile", not "bat mobile". Yes, it fucking matters... Bruce Wayne drives one, had the other in his crib when he was a baby. :P

Call me sappy all you want, but the feeling I get when I'm able to help someone with a tough problem -- yeah, that's better than ice cream!

I bet Kool Aid Man is really fucking tired of being blamed for that Jim Jones incident.

If you don't stand for something you'll fall because your legs have atrophied.

The zombies had my friend trapped, so I did the only thing I could think to do: I ran like a bitch!

You say you want to fuck me like an animal, and I'm flattered, but your collection of praying mantis posters is giving me pause.