I fog the lens of the front-facing camera and clear the small area where my lips are. I'm going to make it through this day.

I just started lifting and when I got home I threw my mouse across the room!

Just thinking about software in the shower.

Accidentally pocket-FaceTimed my barber so I’m glad people still have old phones.

Be confident, scan for poop and uneven surfaces and walk heads up. You’re fearless.

The new Justin Timberlake is pretty good but I’m going keep this to myself

Lets say "buffalo" out loud and see who says it best

Sometimes I have need to remind myself that I’m an ethnic person walking around at night with a hat.

I wish I could test pillows all day.

You figure out who your friends really are once you play Mario Kart together.

One ply toilet paper is basically Build-a-Bear but for toilet paper.

She's either taking pictures of my leg or just reading her phone. I'll never know.

Ah crap, I Shazamed a Selena Gomez song. I guess there’s always tomorrow.

My laundry is so hot that I have to let it cool for a bit

Anyone want to come over for some weed? (sea)

Why are yellow school buses so high up? Seems more dangerous than it should be.

How do you guys carry just your phone and a credit card? I always feel like I have to pay for my cars in cash and I also like pork buns.

UPS should have a social network where I can tell people how excited I am that a package is shipping.

I’m so wet right now (my armpits) - Bryan Adams