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@muthafuckinben If Mike Tyson figured it out, you can.
@johnfreiler Change "never" to "always".
“@mikesirois: TRUSH ME guys..." I was forced to read every word after this in a Sean Connery accent because of your typo. #dangyouse
@mikesirois Who's filling in for Norm while he's away? Please say Cirque... #THF
“@jedshead: It's pretty gross that I'm probably tweeting this from my bathroom.” Well, that's where I read it, so...
@jedshead The longest of long cons. Well played, Wet Bandits. Well played...
“@jedshead: Just how small is an Asian man's penis if he drives a Hummer?” Glad I saved that electron microscope...
@eireanndolan Pro tip: put your hand in the pocket and hold the change in your hand. No jingle. #cheapbastard
“@jedshead: How far away can I smell urine before I know if it's a hipster or homeless guy?” 6.2 feet.
“@jedshead: Is it racist to hate everyone?” About 56% of the time, yes.
“@ali_ali_austin: I wonder how many dead people are still on Facebook.” They are all dead inside? Does that count?
“@carnivalcruise: Love Guy Fieri? Need a vacation? Win a FREE cruise" I blame @johnfreiler for this being in my timeline.
“@thecheckoutgirl: I swear it's like Dave Matthews is singing straight into my vagina.” Is that why he sounds like that?!?
“@mattmira: Am i the only one who thinks it will be hilarious if Romney wins the popular election with exactly 53% of the vote?” Nope.
"@giantsshirt: Mine will only be available in earth tones." Excellent. Maximizes the discomfort.
"@giantsshirt: I'm thinking about starting a culottes for men fashion line." Too late. http://t.co/TGuuYmUW
“@mishakey: Thinking about an avi change. Yes or No? http://t.co/47tyWVau” Yup.
“@iheartgunts: Is there anyone more annoying then someone who just will not fuck you” People who don't know difference between then & than?
“@im_not_smug: When you call a woman "cute", she hears "I will fuck you until I find someone hotter".” Wrong. Cute > Hot. All day long.
“@mishakey: Texas gave you ZZ Top, Pantera, and The Toadies. And me. Texas is pretty fucking badass.” My favorite tweet ever.
Automotive Photojournalist, Hired Goon, Jazz Elitist
Stats can't be shown as @datsunfreak has never signed in to Favstar.