@muthafuckinben If Mike Tyson figured it out, you can.

@johnfreiler Change "never" to "always".

“@mikesirois: TRUSH ME guys..." I was forced to read every word after this in a Sean Connery accent because of your typo. #dangyouse

@mikesirois Who's filling in for Norm while he's away? Please say Cirque... #THF

“@jedshead: It's pretty gross that I'm probably tweeting this from my bathroom.” Well, that's where I read it, so...

@jedshead The longest of long cons. Well played, Wet Bandits. Well played...

“@jedshead: Just how small is an Asian man's penis if he drives a Hummer?” Glad I saved that electron microscope...

@eireanndolan Pro tip: put your hand in the pocket and hold the change in your hand. No jingle. #cheapbastard

“@jedshead: How far away can I smell urine before I know if it's a hipster or homeless guy?” 6.2 feet.

“@jedshead: Is it racist to hate everyone?” About 56% of the time, yes.

“@ali_ali_austin: I wonder how many dead people are still on Facebook.” They are all dead inside? Does that count?

“@carnivalcruise: Love Guy Fieri? Need a vacation? Win a FREE cruise" I blame @johnfreiler for this being in my timeline.

“@thecheckoutgirl: I swear it's like Dave Matthews is singing straight into my vagina.” Is that why he sounds like that?!?

“@mattmira: Am i the only one who thinks it will be hilarious if Romney wins the popular election with exactly 53% of the vote?” Nope.

"@giantsshirt: Mine will only be available in earth tones." Excellent. Maximizes the discomfort.

"@giantsshirt: I'm thinking about starting a culottes for men fashion line." Too late. http://t.co/TGuuYmUW

“@mishakey: Thinking about an avi change. Yes or No? http://t.co/47tyWVau” Yup.

“@iheartgunts: Is there anyone more annoying then someone who just will not fuck you” People who don't know difference between then & than?

“@im_not_smug: When you call a woman "cute", she hears "I will fuck you until I find someone hotter".” Wrong. Cute > Hot. All day long.

“@mishakey: Texas gave you ZZ Top, Pantera, and The Toadies. And me. Texas is pretty fucking badass.” My favorite tweet ever.