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Today my goal is a 10 star tweet.
If this doesn't happen I may punish you all with a avi of my moobs
You've been warned
Sometimes I'm only on twitter to watch people's medications kick in.
I set my twitter notifications to go to ex girlfriends email addressees just so they can see how popular I am now
Stuck in a slide in mcdonald's
Probably won't be allowed back
Sometimes I think
Maybe today is the day I'll get that throat tattoo and go on unemployment.
Now that I'm older
I'm sure smurfs would be pretty damn tasty wrapped in bacon
Wait! You have star tattoo's?
Well then, I will listen to your well thought out opinions and points.
You must make really good decisions
I bet small birds on windy days are like:
Fuck it, I wanted to live 100km away anyways. I hate my neighbors
Just checked fb. Not one mention of the rapture in-between all the food pics and farmville updates
Didn't anyone tell them??
All you young people bitching about how hard you had it growing up.
A LITE-BRITE was a must have toy when I was a kid
Go ahead look it up
I don't know how the hell you guys drive and tweet.
My laptop is totally blocking my steering wheel
If you're reading this you're fucking the dog as well at work.
How about you go get me some coffee or I'll call your boss.
Possible 50 star reward if found
Phew! I lost you all!
But then I checked under the couch cushion and there you were.
Plus I found $3.67 in loose change.
Just in case I get raptured tomorrow I'm setting up an auto-tweeter to retweet all my tweets every 20 min. Just so you don't miss me.
Would not be surprised at all if max had ruby buried in the backyard by the end of the year.
What a bitch
Just to let you know.
I steal all your tweets. I keep them hidden under my bed and roll around naked in them when no one is around
How come their aren't any zombie love stories like twilight?
If on the hiway you always drop your speed by 10 when there is oncoming traffic I should legally be able to ram you off the road
then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it