It seems like carotene has been in beta forever. Release a stable version, carrots!

I took the orange cold medicine and this muffin tastes like the Windows 98 startup sound and everything smells purple.

The stages of public banana consumption.

1. Awkward
2. Awkward
3. Awkward

My name backwards is Diva D. This changes everything.

HELL YEAH, PAYDAY! I'm going to buy so many taxes.

I guess you really can't teach a bird to use a circular saw.

Anyway, there's a half puffin in the break room if anyone wants it.

"Can a cyclops wink?"
"Can a snake shrug?"

Guys, I think Socrates is stoned again.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, this giant novelty pencil must be mightier than a tank. What I'm saying is, this is a stickup.

I like my damsels like I like my early 90s denim… distressed.

I'm just a sword collection and a ponytail away from going full nerd.

Oh lord, why must my muscles always ripple like a really buff prowling jaguar?!

I just found glitter on my face.

Obviously, I am shedding this hideous human form as I transmorph into the prettiest unicorn ever.

"Ugh, my humpback is krilling me." - Hilarious Whale

I received your letter but the seal was broken. How you contrived to fold an animal of that size into an envelope so small still baffles me.

If you knew anything about design, you'd have way more dragons on your website.

Winch? I thought you said WENCH.

Dammit, there's no way the tavern will take her back, knowing I mounted her on the bumper.

Yeah, I'd body butter that muffin top.

Taking the ER out of a hospital is a bad idea. Taking it out of your grandmother is downright dangerous.

Nothing can kill a grandmoth.

The tension in this room is palpable.

Palpable means “fart-scented”, right?

You see a horse and a catapult, I see a pegasus waiting to happen.