I hate being left out almost as much as I hate being included.

You never meet anyone who's quietly on a juice diet.

Why would anyone lie about liking big butts?

Sing like nobody's listening; love like you've never been hurt; undress like I'm not outside your window.

“Game of Thrones” is like “Girls,” but with less fighting and nudity.

I feel bad telling the parking lot attendant to have a nice day. He's not going to have a nice day.

My worst nightmare is someone calling while I’m pretending to be on the phone.

There's no way having a child is better than getting a package from Amazon.

"Coldplay" would be a terrible name for a band.

I’d watch NASCAR if they let the drivers text.

Just renewed my gin membership.

I might have made a black friend. Will keep you posted.

Your most boring day as an 8 year-old is better than your best day as a 30 year-old.

Remember, the worst things in life are also free.

Before posing for a photo, take a second to make sure you’re attractive.

I feel so free, so alive, so hopeful. Someone just cancelled dinner plans with me.

I hide more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

I'll say "bless you" twice. Don't sneeze again.

Upstairs neighbors always have more fun.

I’m addicted to Diet Coke. And regular cocaine.