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I hate being left out almost as much as I hate being included.
You never meet anyone who's quietly on a juice diet.
Why would anyone lie about liking big butts?
Sing like nobody's listening; love like you've never been hurt; undress like I'm not outside your window.
“Game of Thrones” is like “Girls,” but with less fighting and nudity.
I feel bad telling the parking lot attendant to have a nice day. He's not going to have a nice day.
My worst nightmare is someone calling while I’m pretending to be on the phone.
There's no way having a child is better than getting a package from Amazon.
Waking up is my morning workout.
I don't care that my ex-girlfriend is now married with kids, I'm still gonna cash in these free back rub coupons.
"Coldplay" would be a terrible name for a band.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I’d watch NASCAR if they let the drivers text.
Just renewed my gin membership.
Your most boring day as an 8 year-old is better than your best day as a 30 year-old.
I might have made a black friend. Will keep you posted.
Remember, the worst things in life are also free.
I hide more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Before posing for a photo, take a second to make sure you’re attractive.
I feel so free, so alive, so hopeful. Someone just cancelled dinner plans with me.
Written for Family Guy and Malcolm in the Middle. Author of Dog Days: A Year in the Wienermobile.