If you replace the word "Christmas" with "breakfast," you can sing these songs every day of the year!

It's a common mistake. Fahrenheit is the name of the creator. The temperature scale is "Fahrenheit's monster."

I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.

Cumin is a delicious spice and also how cool people refer to vacuuming.

Instead of saying "suck my butt," which is rude, or "suck on my butt," which is graphic, say, "suck onto my butt," which is crazy.

This downtown Arby's is really living up to the hype.

The only acceptable excuse for my dog freaking out every time the doorbell rings would be if his father was killed by a doorbell.

If Mitt Romney wins, I'm moving deeper into Canada.

I want to listen to the audiobook of The Qur'an. Can someone please burn me a copy? Seriously, folks...

Zack Morris thinks he's pretty popular for a guy who only has six friends, and one of them is the principal.

Actor F. Murray Abraham was named after a guy named Murray Abraham who his parents hated.

I'm not racist but I don't like the following races: The Indy 500, the Kentucky Derby, the 200-meter butterfly, and white people.

Remember, when you get to Heaven, beat the shit out of someone on your first day so you don't become some saint's bitch for eternity.

A side of gravy is different from an aside of gravy, which is what happens in a play when you say something, then whisper "Gravy."

The best thing about the President pardoning a turkey is the tacit acknowledgment that being a turkey is a crime.

"Butts for everyone!" -God

I just flew in from Portland and boy are my arms completely tattooed.

Please call me Mister. Mr. Mister is my father. Also, please take these broken wings.

What if it turned out Adele's ex-boyfriend was a guy named Roland Inthedeep? We'd be a little less impressed with her.

I just ate ten cookies to reward myself for only eating two cookies.