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If you're using a dollar store pregnancy test, you're probably pregnant.
Some of the prettiest girls need to put a paper bag over their personality.
"I'm vegan, by the way" -Vegans. Every chance they get.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Kourtney and Kim take Miami.
Sorry girls, but the concept of a giant, hideous ogre and a semi-retarded talking donkey has been done before.
"Don't Kid Yourself" would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.
Christians who believe a gay couple can't raise a child need to realize Jesus had two dads.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Cocaine jokes should just be one liners.
'Jesus loves you' has a different meaning in a Mexican prison.
Jennifer Lawrence's legs won't win 'best supporting' anything.
Oscar Pistorius granted bail. The judge would've enforced house arrest with an ankle bracelet but he couldn't say it with a straight face.
The difference between "romantic" and "creepy" is the other person's reaction to it.
Congratulations to Amy Winehouse on 15 months of sobriety.
One time I met a vegetarian who waited an entire 16 seconds to bring it up.
Only three more Lindsay Lohan arrests until Christmas!
"If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do any disgusting thing you want" -my dad.
Did Adele win an Oscar for that time she took a dump in the sink in Bridesmaids?
RIP Snooki's baby. (just practicing)
Writer, comedian, musician and backgroud actor. The worst kind of person. Future AA member. Contact: email@example.com