Everything you’ve ever lost is still sitting somewhere, stupidly.

At least Ike can't hit her ever again.

Hey guys, what's it called when you have a boner but it's like in your heart?

Wow, important: http://t.co/rWszHsy

Why yes, Zappos, I *do* want to tell the Internet that I just ordered some shower sandals! Thanks for offering to tweet it for me!

I bet blind people call the alphabet the ABs; there’s no C. I like making bets. I make a lot of bets. Be my friend.

“Do you see what happens, Larry? Now do you see what happens? How about now? Now do you see what happens?” -- Walter Sobchak, optometrist

Okay seriously, can anyone really believe that shit fucking worked? If they did that in a movie I would huff and get all Nerd Angry.

Project managers, you know I love you, but please stop referring to what I do as “magic”. It’s WORK.

iPhone, you are more powerful than a supercomputer of 20 years ago. Maybe stop me from writing “Sand Francisco” next time.

Keep your laws off my body, PHYSICS.

Other than that, Mrs. Cain, how did you enjoy your husband’s candidacy?

“Siri, find me the rudest titties on the Internet.”

Jesus, that was some party. You know how people on the street give you funny looks because you're so hangover? What's their fucking problem.

“What’s this country coming to?” -- porn market researcher

Trying to figure out how coffee works. If my calculations are correct, poop contains sleepiness (???).

Hey ladies, if you don’t mind changing all of your expectations and being an object, why not date a Wall Street man? http://t.co/fNcBBy71

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by the internet, tweeting liking sharing,
dragging themselves through favstar at dawn.

It pains me to type this, but I have carpal tunnel syndrome.

It has taken me 27 years to realize that my birthday is exactly nine months after Valentine’s Day.

Gross.