Here it is guys! The great secret of life: *drum roll*
There are no 'grown-ups!' None.

Just another night spent ensuring Budweiser stays in business. Rough work but you're welcome America.

If u don't at least put forth a valiant effort to pop the microwave door b4 it beeps, as far as I'm concerned, u don't deserve that burrito!

Never thought I'd ever consider a forehead tattoo but I'm thinking "NOT a hugger" may totally be worth it

My dryer eats socks & my kitchen cabinets eat tuperware lids. When my son misbehaves I threaten to send him into the closet to 'test it out'

I graduated yesterday! BS in com studies. Feel free to start the job offers ANY time (ASAP). I'll b here. Chilln. Awaiting your call. K. Ty.

@zombieionism I wonder if anyone's ever read that tweet & been able to resist the urge to stare at 'miracle'

Nobody knows ANYBODY enough to judge them.

(Please note that the above factual statement is sealed with a period. Sealed. For sure. Fact.)

I think my Twitter addiction is making me sick... Or maybe this is one of those chicken/egg issues...

That fine line between bravery & stupidity... Why's it gotta fly by so damn fast?!

Showering w/out shaving your pits is like washing your face w/out brushing your teeth. You own cats. Lots & lots.

You didn't love me. Ever. Never. That's so fine. Just quit claiming you did/do. It's confusing. Thanks bye.

Doesn't even put on pants to answer the door for the pizza guy! She's on a whole. Other. Level.

If I agree to meet your husband it's only because I just can't even begin to imagine who would marry you

Frosting & sprinkling 72 cupcakes at 11pm. In my underwear. Sipping wine. Cause I'm a real woman AND my kid's hero. Just call me Unicorn

My inner nerd may enjoy this too much ;) RT@professor_ryan: This acute little angle just said it liked my shoes. What a complimentary angle!

Sure my ex bf may sound like a shallow, drug addicted, cheating, thief but if you get to know him he's actually as charming as he sounds

@depechealamode No clue what a taint painter is but there's a 150% chance my office mate will be accused of being one tomorrow!

@carbosly Trippy! I feel like u made one specially for me! I had to look twice; my name's Alexandra :)

@ladieredd2 saw this tweet & thought of us. Black & red ;) Haha RT @lilytrail: I bet mediocre minds think alike too.