The challenge of raising a teenage daughter is knowing when to make her life miserable vs. knowing when to allow her to do it to herself.

Postcard from 11yo son:

Dear Dad,
Maine is beautiful and the animals are nice. (P.S. The moose made me write the last part—SEND HEL

When I was single, my most frequently used approach with women was to play hard to get rid of.

Hmm. That wasn’t the best okra I ever had.

It was sorta mediokra.

My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore.

WAIT, THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM!

Met 3 guys from England and none of them had a donkey on their farm. I have to say, my first experience with assless chaps was a letdown.

...and Jesus turned the water into wine.

"No! White, Jesus, white!" the crowd shouted, "You just made us all this fish."

I sneezed real hard, and while I did not break any bones, I did sustain some tissue damage.

Superpower Update: At the current time, my powers of invisibility only seem to work when I am in a room full of rich, good-looking people.

I'd like to thank my mom for helping me out of some real tight spots over the years. Starting, obviously, with the day I was born.

I hate when someone on the train has a loud conversation on a cell phone and then gives ME dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.

I checked the definition of OCD like a hundred times and I'm totally convinced THAT is not my problem. Um...BRB.

Today is the birthday I have always shared with Michael Jackson.

This year:

More cake for me.

I would appreciate it if one of you could come here and teach my son a little something about personal responsibility.

There are two kinds of people in this world. One that can maintain their train of thought

Just standing here in Rockefeller Center waiting for them to light the giant Menorah. Also waiting for a giant Menorah.

Another delayed shuttle launch? C’mon guys, this ain’t rocket science.

At age 47, my life is very little SEX, and DRUGS and ROCK--but this buttered roll is pretty good.

Today, I'm sick as a dog. My dog, on the other hand, is fit as a fiddle. My fiddle, on the other hand,...