HULK LAUGH RT @abrams @webtonull: A DBA walks into a NOSQL bar, but turns and leaves because he couldn't find a table

HULK FAVORITE SHELL? bash, DUH!

ANYTHING POSSIBLE WHEN YOU A. BELIEVE IN YOUSELF B. WRITE YOU OWN DISTRIBUTED DATABASE AS A THRIFT SERVICE IN SCALA C. ARE ON HORSE

IP ADDRESS char(15)? GOD KILL KITTEN. IP ADDRESS varchar(255)? GOD KILL 2 KITTEN.

HUMAN SAY: "DATABASE AT FAULT. DOWN AGAIN" HULK SAY "MAYBE BECAUSE YOU DUMP ALL MEMCACHE."

SOLUTION THAT WORK IF ALL DATA FIT IN MEMORY AS TRUSTWORTHY AS SOLUTION THAT WORK IF ALL HULK LEG FIT IN PANTS.

20 CRON JOB RUN EVERY MINUTE. EVERY MINUTE PERFORMANCE DIE. HUMAN SAY WHY NOT ADD PUNY MYSQL QUERY CACHE? HULK CRY.

HULK SPEND TOO MUCH TIME HEAD IN DBS. START TO SING "ALL THE SPINDLE-EES" TO TUNE OF BEYONCE. #IFYOULIKEDITTHENYOUSHOULDHAVEPUTACACHEONIT

HULK NOT CARE COLOR OF BIKESHED. ALL COLOR GOOD FOR SMASH.

SPIDERMAN SAY WITH GREAT POWER COME GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. HULK SAY WITH FILESYSTEM ACCESS COME MYSQL ROOT.

WHO CAN, DO. WHO CAN'T, TEACH. WHO DON'T CARE, CONSULT.

HUMAN SAY, WE ALL InnoDB, NO MyISAM. THEN HULK LOOK, FIND MyISAM. HUMAN SAY, YEAH EXCEPT THAT. BTW REPLICATION BROKEN. HULK CRY.

DON'T GET HULK STARTED ON ENUMS

AUTO-INCREMENT LIKE BREAST FEEDING. GOOD FOR A YEAR OR TWO, THEN JUST SUCK.

GRASS MORE GREEN OTHER SIDE FENCE. (HULK MORE GREEN EVERY SIDE FENCE.) http://bit.ly/e5gPeN (via @evan, @kirkwy)

XAVIER SAY: MySQL REPLICATION LIKE TACO BELL. ONLY 7 INGREDIENT. WRONG ORDER, GET MESS ON SHORTS. RIGHT ORDER, STILL FEEL ILL.

LESS SaaS MORE SMASH

DBSERVER LIKE CLAPPING HAND, YOU NEED TWO OR YOU ARE JUST WAVING

FRIEND NO LET FRIEND BUILD DB ON SOFTWARE RAID

A C I D: PICK 2