Gentlemen, if your kids are shooting each other because you're a single father, please select a wife from my binder full of women.

OK, now Christianity makes total sense to me. http://t.co/wc4sOSl

It's pronounced "new-cue-lar." #GIF

People who are always convinced you're lying to them are usually liars.

Self-loathing is not a prerequisite for self-improvement.

@hutchingsjulie I CAN SUPPLY YOU WITH THE COFFEE PART OF AN ENORMOUS BREAKFAST DON'T MIND MY BACKWASH YOU HAVE TO COME GET IT THOUGH.

Jimmy Fallon? I thought Jay Leno traditionally took over the Tonight Show when Jay Leno leaves.

@jchutchins He ain't called Make Typing Easy Kitty.

@jchutchins @chuckwendig He falls for the velociraptor. He is killed by australopithecus.

@jchutchins WTF is a sammoflange?!

You don't realize how truly awesome Apples to Apples is until your mother-in-law plays "whips" on "sensual."

Coming June 27: England vs. Germany, or Can Vuvuzelas Drown Out 90 Minutes of World War 2 Trash Talk?

@hutchingsjulie ISN'T SLEEPING ON A REGULAR PILLOW IMPOSSIBLE WHEN YOU'RE MRS. GHOST RIDER? BUY THIS FLOOR MAT AND PUT YOUR FACE ON IT!

@hutchingsjulie I just looked that up and I want to thank you because I saw a lady with her whole head on fire.

@spruke By the time I want one, it'll probably be exactly what I expect.

Surrender your women and intellectuals!

@hutchingsjulie My cone head fribbled all over you sundae cups and fishamajig.

@hutchingsjulie WATTA MELON ROLL #EverythingFriendlysSellsIsAEuphemismForGenitala

@hutchingsjulie Holy shit, you must bring me a Fribble! Also a sundae with an ice cream cone on top so it looks like a creepy clown.

@hutchingsjulie Those hashtags shouldn't get you any spam at all.