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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a vegan - then I'm pretty sure you can just get there through his pussy.
When life hands you lemons, DO NOT write another tweet about it.
Just sit there quietly with your lemons, please.
I had sex with this girl who was really self-conscious about the size of her labia, but I didn't see what the big flap was all about
Calling a guy a chronic masturbator is a little harsh. I think "tugboat captain" has a much friendlier ring to it.
Not to add insult to injury, but that broken leg makes you look fat.
99 bottles of beer on the wall. Take one down & pass it around. 98 bottles of room-temperature beer in your idiotic beer storage system.
I was able to cut my electrical bill in half simply by using a pair of scissors!
I put the "cock" in "peacock". That's what they said at my bestiality trial, anyway.
Why is the McRib only available at a certain time of year? I seriously doubt that pig dicks and sawdust are seasonal ingredients.
Maybe she’s born with a freakish pigment mutation that stains her eyelid skin silver and blue. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
At least Kurt Cobain never had to see "Rape Me" performed on Glee.
Naming your daughter "Mildred" will preserve her chastity WAY longer than naming her "Chastity" will.
We’re about to have passionate sex but you shove the Beanie Babies off of my bed like they’re just objects??
HERE’S CAB FARE BITCH, GET OUT
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of gal who gives hesitant, toothy blowjobs while making the “ewww” face.
Drinking a wine cooler because hey, it's 1988 SOMEWHERE.
I bet the guy whose job it is to pack fudge at the candy factory really pushed hard to get a different job title on his business card.
Never understood the embarassment about a tampon run. All it says is that I've got pussy at home and I don't want blood on my car seats.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Indie girl at the bar has purple hair in pigtails.
Totally tempted to ask her if the carpet matches the grapes.
You know who doesn’t like nicknames?
My coworker - Colonel Turdmaster, that’s who.
Plus-sized Gymboree model; professional celebrity voiceover guesser