Her: Juggernaut.

Me: Well, if you're giving me a choice, I choose jug.

Holy crap, don't read this one.

Out of all the brave soldiers throughout history, the Minutemen were by far the shittiest lays.

"Hodor."

- Hodor

Factoid: if you forget your AARP card, you can just show them your car visor CD holder.

I refuse to buy any more Boy Scout cookies until they know the difference between "gay" and "pedophile."

Damn, gurrrl...are you the process of replacing organic materials with minerals over time because you just petrified my wood.

100% of people who say "under the speed limit" when asked how fast they drive also say "gross" when asked what they think of oral sex.

Factoid: If you drive a Jaguar that's so old that it has a $5,000 Kelly Blue Book value, you can't have an attitude about driving a Jaguar.

So you Canadians gonna revoke Biebs's citizenship for shitting all over your nice people stereotype or what?

The thing that sucks most about my office dress code is how restrictive these dress slacks are on my sweet windmill kicks.

That Korn sticker really tells us what a rebellious badass you used to be before you started driving the mini van you stuck it on.

Oooh...the girls on the north end of the Vegas Strip are dressed in the sexiest outfits Kohl's has to offer tonight.

A Kickstarter but for financing all my burrito projects.

Your first hot air balloon experience should be in a third-world country and cost the same as a Big Mac. The only risk? Having too much fun.

If your legs look like two columns holding up the Parthenon only thicker and whiter, maybe Daisy Dukes aren't your Spring look, Frost Giant.

The thing is, there's a purpose behind twitter's 140-character limit. The brevity of the medium encourages conciseness and if you can't expr

Haven't heard much from my haters lately. Hope everything's okay.

Hello? Better Business Bureau? Yes, I was just in a Crate and Barrel and they sold neither. SHUT THEM DOWN SHUT THEM ALL DOWN.

Got glue in my eyebrow doing some home repairs and now I know why you ladies want us to aim more carefully.

Guess what? When people show you pics of their kids and you describe them as "supple," they don't show you pics of their kids any more!