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guy in elevator @ school: "going to class?" No I just like to carry this 90 lb Accounting book in hopes of prompting pointless conversation.
Just got a friend request from my dog on FB. Great next he'll find my Twitter and see all the mad shit I've talked.
I'm thrilled that you like my tattoos, but no, I don't want to see your
Tasmanian devil tattoo on your back so put your shirt back on.
I just realized I'm only funny when I'm blinded by rage and shouting obscenities. Too bad it's all wasted on my children.
Man, a lot of shit gets blamed on the cats in my house. I still cannot figure out how they managed to order all that porn OnDemand though?
Me: The line was so long you'd think we were waiting to see the Dalai Lama. Son (17): I don't know anything about your weird music mom.
If you drink marshmallow flavored vodka I hope the Stay-puft Marshmallow man crashes through a wall like the koolaid-man & cuts you in half.
"I have a great idea: I am going to keep a box full of shit INSIDE of my house!" -inventor and cat-lover
I hate when I see that I have an email & I think it's from Twittter and it's actually from Babies"R"us and I don't even have a fucking baby.
"Where the fuck are the scissors?!" -anyone who has kids
My 17 yr old updated me on his Battlefield game status. Should I be supportive or tell him I have lost hope in ever having grandchildren?
God my internet connection is shite and I'm not even Irish.
"When you stay up late you only make my job of pulling random shit out of the trash & dragging it through the house more difficult." -my dog
You can accurately measure the value of a human being based on how long they leave their trash cans out at the curb after garbage day.
I do not feel sorry for the anthropomorphized dust in the Swiffer commercial, it's way too needy.
Finally understand why so many shootings happen at University campuses after listening to someone else read aloud in class tonight.
It's so good that lingerie catalogs employ all those poor models who don't have nipples.
So glad I decided to watch the premiere of American Horror Story with my teenage sons, otherwise we would have missed all those sex scenes.
I'm embarassing you? Try being the mother of the kid who "shit his pants after devouring 14 deviled eggs" at the 4th of july picnic.
What you have to consider...is the possibility that God doesn't like you. ~Chuck Palahniuk