Guide to Twitter:
1 Sign up
2 Say This sucks. I don't get it.
3 Someone stars your tweet.
4 Get a divorce and give up custody of the kids

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

If there was a drug that captured the feeling of that moment when we realize we're in love with someone, all other drugs would be obsolete.

Probably the best way to enjoy twitter is to stop trying to figure out what anyone else's motives are and just tweet, read and laugh.

All it takes is a couple RTs to start a chain reaction that can make someone's day. Pass that shit around people. It'll come back to you.

Just lost a follower who only has three followers. Glad he did it. It was just too much pressure to entertain him practically by myself.

Shopping and heard somebody say "fucktard". I dropped my items, kept my head down and left the store.

One of you bastards got too close.

Stop hating yourself. You're awesome, and you don't have to prove it every second.

Take a deep breath

And just

Be you.

This just in: after a year-long battle with the C-word, it's Me 1 C -word 0!

Try and kill me? FUCK OFF AND DIE, CANCER!

People that say money can't buy happiness must be fucking terrible at spending money.

We're like one ginormous breakfast club at detention.

Sitting in a restroom stall reading the walls and wishing I had a marker so I could starfuck the hell out of this place.

Welcome to twitter, where strangers are friends, friends are not welcome and truth is but a figment of the imagination.

Every time I think I have the perfect group of tweeters I come across another fucking genius. It's endless. And that's a beautiful thing.

If farmville was on twitter everybody would be raising pigs and growing pot.

When somebody that has a link to their Facebook page in their bio follows me I always imagine them being lost in a really bad neighborhood.

My friend accidentally called Dunkin Donuts "Drunken Donuts". I quickly dropped him off and now I'm feverishly working on a business plan.

Good breakup line: it's not you, it's your prematurely aging body, inferior vocabulary, shitty job and bizarre old-man-like hairline.

I just told my dog to shut the fuck up and sit down cuz I'm a boss like that.


Don't gimme those puppy-dog eyes.

Aww, come here.

Brb

Me sober: star star RT RT star RT star star RT RT TotD star RT star RT.

Me drinking: tweet every fucking thought that pops into my head.