When somebody that has a link to their Facebook page in their bio follows me I always imagine them being lost in a really bad neighborhood.

Way down inside, we all long for the same things: someone to love, someone to love us, and a drug strong enough to convince us it's possible

Welcome to twitter, where strangers are friends, friends are not welcome and truth is but a figment of the imagination.

I've never been the kind of guy to cry over spilled milk but I will wail like a banshee over spilled whisky.

Playing dumb: getting me out of doing shit I don't wanna do since 1977.

What? I don't understand.

Exxx-fucking-actly.

I am hopelessly in love with love no matter how fucking dysfunctional it is. Life is meaningless without it.

If the whole world went a day without one fucking lie I swear we'd spin off the axis and drift aimlessly into a black hole.

Just pissed in my birdbath cuz fuck those freeloaders.

What your generation is truly lacking is a Dean Martin.

Stop hating yourself. You're awesome, and you don't have to prove it every second.

Take a deep breath

And just

Be you.

Either we're under attack or everybody in my neighborhood spent their welfare checks on fireworks.

With the collective creativity in this place we could probably fix the world if that kind of thing wasn't so frowned upon around here.

I feel good saying I treat everybody with the respect they deserve. It's a ridiculous lie, of course, but I feel good saying it.

Everything comes and goes and ebbs and flows and in the middle of it all you're my constant. If that's not love there's no such thing.

My wife just spent half an hour in front of a mirror getting ready to go out. I took a piss and put pants on. We both look spectacular.

From now on FML means Find My Lighter.

FML guys.

Seriously, like now please.

I wish I looked this good when I was sober.

Opposites attract in a sexy, lovey, cutesy way for about a year then a bitchy, stabby, divorcy way for the rest of eternity.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

There aren't many benefits of being an adult so I'll jump the fuck into a rain puddle whenever I feel like it.