Scars are survival stories. Kind of like tattoos, but non-fiction.

No child is born racist, sexist or homophobic.

Dude, this is twitter. The use of 'NSFW' is just a waste of 4 characters.

I've watched What Women Want twice and never heard any mention of oral.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get the fuck away from me.

What d'you mean, using abusive language proves you lack vocabulary? I can insult the fuck out of you in 5 languages!

He that spits in public shall not be swallowed in private.

Everybody be cool, this is a lie-in! Any of you fucking pricks move and I'll spoon every motherfucking last one of ya.

Why do people always think it’s someone else’s job to make them happy?

He’s bringing a friend round for a bite. It’s so ripe with innuendo I’m not even cooking, I’m shaving.

Standing on the toilet seat looking out the window for lightning is about as romantic as it gets in this house.

It’s not binge drinking if you call it a wine festival.

You should always wear you best undies on Fridays. You know, just in case you end up spending the whole weekend in them.

I love you is short for I would piss on you if you were on fire.

I only do anal cos the bible says not to.

In your hand, this beer bottle is merely a beer bottle but if you put it in mine, it becomes a wild romantic gesture.

If you like to be fashionably late you’ll find me stylishly gone.

Tobacco is good for your health. I don’t want to kill you half as much once I’ve had my first cigarette of the day.

The summer breeze is lifting many skirts but raising only one question. Why do they even make g-strings in size 18?

Stamina is like toilet paper. You better check how much you have left before getting started.