At what age do you start getting in your car butt first?

I wish my cat could talk, because then maybe she would have said "hey, don't step on the pile of shit I left in the bathroom"

I think Im hot, in a chubby. Housewifey, mom kind of way

This mcdonalds smoothie is a vodka shot away from being fabulous

If snoring is a sign of intelligence, my husband is a fu&~ing genius

behind every successful man is a very surprised mother-in-law

Hey dude selling firewood on the corner in 90 degree heat, get a new marketing strategy

Apparently America does NOT have talent

Hey yogurt don't even think I will choose you over that donut

Politicians might as well just be making Charlie Brown's teacher's noise

"Talking Tom" just told me I'm funny, but can you really trust an echoing cat Ap

You may think I'm boring, but my cat thinks I'm hilarious

Just had a "Little Debbie" cake roll for dinner. I rock!

I wish I was a weatherman. They get paid for being wrong everyday.

Did you know that the same group of crazy old women that call in to QVC are the same ones that watch Nancy Grace.

Twitter is like a big yummy bowl of oatmeal with a few pieces of shit floating in it

My day would be so much better if there were less morons in the world

This is where Jesus lives http://t.co/kr37bxw

I finally unfollowed Charlie Sheen..now who is #winning

If you brush your teeth before eating a milk-dud it tastes like a thin mint cookie