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If Osama had hid the way I do when someone knocks on my door he wouldn't be dead right now.
You want to trick me into signing away everything I own to you? Ask me to read the terms and conditions.
If you look up the word awesome in the dictionary... I'll ask you what the hell you're doing since you can just google that shit nowadays.
Half of my life is spent thinking I should be doing something with my life. The other half is spent holding in my pee.
My body is not a temple, it's more like the dumpster behind Taco Bell where all the drug deals go down.
The only thing in life I do consistently is check behind the shower curtain for murderers.
There's actually a band called "The Rapture" and I bet they're just constantly high-fiving each other right now.
It's stupid to say "don't try this at home" because it's the people that are dumb enough to try those things that the world needs less of.
I woke up in my bathtub with a ton of empty bottles of beer once. Weirdest tornado watch ever. At least that's what I'm going to say it was.
I wish I had as much determination in life as I do when I'm pressing the "close door" button in an elevator.
I've never watched Jersey Shore but I did just shave off a huge piece of my finger so I'm sure watching it is equally as painful.
My bathroom breaks take longer now that I'm on Twitter. My friends must think that I shit a lot. Just kidding, I have no friends!
I refuse to do anything with my life until my phone stops autocorrecting "shit" to "shot." This shot is ridiculous.
Whoever the hell life is giving lemons to: I'll gladly take them because all I'm being given is problems.
I'm not sure how to dispose of dead batteries but I am pretty sure I know how to dispose of a dead body.
Apparently the childhood method of claiming something by licking it doesn't work when you're older. Now I'm banned from the grocery store :(
