Women were made to be loved, not understood. Stop trying.

Bad decisions make good stories.

How to keep a relationship:

Men: Love her, hold her, protect her, tell her she's beautiful, give her flowers

Ladies: Fuck like a porn star

If you use a cart at the liquor store, you're my hero.

How to start an argument:
1) State your opinion
2) Wait

Before. B-E-F-O-R-E. Not "B4." We speak English, not Bingo.

Some people choose to live life in the fast lane while I have apparently chosen the on-coming traffic lane.

Apparently "forever" in boy time means 1 to 3 months.

Don't think of it as losing followers. Think of it as gaining a sense of accomplishment for pissing off people who suck at life.

I will not come home drunk I will not come home drunk I willnt come hom drunk I wilna brom hom dunk I win a dunk hum brump...

Congratulations to Amy Winehouse on being 5 days sober.

A good man will make you feel strong, sexy and able to take over the world.

Oh sorry... That's wine. Wine does that.

You guys will all be painfully aware of when I get laid because I'll be Tweeting about ponies & rainbows instead of vibrators & hard-ons.

I think I have mood poisoning. It must be from the bullshit someone is feeding me.

Right now I'm craving that kiss that lasts for an hour, blows your mind, and makes you wonder how you've gone your entire life without it.

Men: Look her deep in the eyes, tell her you love her and describe how beautiful she is. Then bend her over & give her what she really wants

Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

This whole 'being lonely' thing would suck a lot less if we could do it together.

Rosie O'Donnell can find someone to marry her, yet I can't even get somebody to date me. No joke here, I'm just pissed off and disgusted.

Loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.