Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a single-mother on its shoulder.

There's a giant rubber duck in Sydney Harbour. pic.twitter.com/6q2bjV29

Music is my drug.

And drugs are also my drugs.

Ok officer, why don't you give me a list of places where it IS ok to masturbate.

I'm just gonna assume Sigmund Freud's mother was really hot.

I like my women like I like my scotch.
18 years old and full of coke.

Can't have your cake and eat it too? Really no point in having any cake at all then.

Girls are like video games. We don't like them to be too easy, but if they're too difficult we'll probably just cheat.

If you think sexually progressive women are sluts, then my condolences on not gettin any.

"My imaginary friend is better than your imaginary friend"
- Every religious person ever

You guys ever get the feeling that other people are having actual human interactions?

It's not gay to masturbate over a guy if that guy is Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

The angel who impregnated the Virgin Mary in her sleep is probably the worlds most famous rapist.

She gave me two blowjobs, so when I got home I gave one to my friend.

Old ladies with great asses confuse me.

Woke up to my cat masturbating on the bed beside me. Awkward.

I don't go jogging, cos of there's one thing I've learnt from SVU it's that jogging leads to finding dead bodies.

I try to have at least one meal a day that isn't cigarettes.

Jesus' water into wine trick is basically just a biblical roofie.

I feel sorry for anyone who wasn't a kid in the 80's.