Hey, we know you're an aspiring writer. We don't fucking care.

@nottjmiller anesthegeologist. Someone who puts rocks to sleep, medically

Bob motherfuckin Ross

Is it still called disappointment if you always expect it?

A cigar, but filled with weed. And for sale at the gas station...

7 percent tip? Well F U C K Y O U. I've been a server. Don't ever do that shit again. Ever.

When I started on Twitter, seconds would pass before my TL would reload. Now, its bulimic, spewing out tweet after tweet, after tweet....

I like DIY, it allows me to physically see what I could be doing if weed money became home improvement money and I felt like ruining my wknd

I've decided from now on I will be writing fuck you notes instead of Thank you notes. For all occasions.

Does the 10,000 hour rule apply to tweeting? Cuz some of you fuckers are approaching Jedi status.

Sometimes when I'm high, I think when I stand up, if done fast enough, gravity will finally fucking give up and I can go float around.

Motherfuckin egg just told me to watch my language. First day? Tryin this Twitter thing on for size? Don't think its gonna work for you...

'Dude, I will FUCKING SLAW YOU!' - angry cabbage to a lesser cabbage

There's so much pepperoni on this new super-fuckin-pepperoni pizza from Papa John's, your jizz will give your girl heartburn.

Sometimes I open Twitter and think: 'What asshole wrote THIS shit?' Then I see the profile pic is me.

Al Davis will be missed most of all in his hometown of Pangaea.

To Television: Cut it the fuck out with the storage unit shows. I live in Indiana, I know what a mound of shit looks like.

My Mom said a smartass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

Dear dudes: Its not cool to act like your girl isn't worth shit in public. Or you'll end up jerkin it while some good dude gets the good P

Metric, motherfuckers. Do It. Fucking do it now.