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There’s a woman in Sainsburys buying 3 bottles of wine and 16 chocolate mousses. I feel like saying “He didn’t deserve you”.
He shows up with a crushing inevitability at any big event now. At the end of the world, there’ll be him singing Hey Jude at Satan.
I’m sitting in my car outside B&Q, waiting for it to open.
I was going to be an astronaut…
If there was any justice in the world, Ruby Turner would be selling millions of records and Cheryl Cole would be working in Asda.
Twitter should have a “And finally…” section - a place to read something whimsical, so you don’t go to sleep with a head full of horror.
Just watched a woman go round a roundabout three times. She’s either lost or she’s trying to dry some salad.
Stupid bananas, sitting in the fruit bowl, judging me while I eat pork pies. You won't be so cocky in a week when you're mouldy! Twats.
Lance Armstrong has called his drug abuse “a mistake”.
Lance, letting your bread go mouldy is a mistake. What you did is called cheating.
Does anyone else give names to household items? I call my TV ‘Jimmy’ and I call my alarm clock ‘Fucking son of a bitch tossing wanky cunt’.
I firmly believe that someone will be killed by bunting before the summer is out.
Oh my god a woman just introduced herself to me as "Belinda" but I thought she said "Bellender" and now I can't breathe.
The display on my dvd player says “Hello” when I switch it on. I always say “Hello” back with a smile. Then I weep into my lasagne-for-one.
I’m so much happier since I realised that hardly anything is my business.