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There’s a woman in Sainsburys buying 3 bottles of wine and 16 chocolate mousses. I feel like saying “He didn’t deserve you”.
He shows up with a crushing inevitability at any big event now. At the end of the world, there’ll be him singing Hey Jude at Satan.
I’m sitting in my car outside B&Q, waiting for it to open.
I was going to be an astronaut…
If there was any justice in the world, Ruby Turner would be selling millions of records and Cheryl Cole would be working in Asda.
Twitter should have a “And finally…” section - a place to read something whimsical, so you don’t go to sleep with a head full of horror.
I wrote a little piece about why I think it's ok to laugh at OCD. http://t.co/KmN2w2p7
Just watched a woman go round a roundabout three times. She’s either lost or she’s trying to dry some salad.
"Darling..... who is @hotgirrrrl69" http://t.co/veczG3Mi - my take on Twitter and relationships.
Stupid bananas, sitting in the fruit bowl, judging me while I eat pork pies. You won't be so cocky in a week when you're mouldy! Twats.
Lance Armstrong has called his drug abuse “a mistake”.
Lance, letting your bread go mouldy is a mistake. What you did is called cheating.
I fear #Masterchef’s lasting legacy to cookery will be apostrophe shaped smears of sauce on every plate of restaurant food in this country.
Does anyone else give names to household items? I call my TV ‘Jimmy’ and I call my alarm clock ‘Fucking son of a bitch tossing wanky cunt’.
Apparently, a lemon cake is the perfect end to a rainy day. I prefer a Pot Noodle and a tearful wank but each to their own. #NigelSlater
I firmly believe that someone will be killed by bunting before the summer is out.
Oh my god a woman just introduced herself to me as "Belinda" but I thought she said "Bellender" and now I can't breathe.
I tweeted earlier to say that I was feeling a little sad. Here's why http://t.co/MzndyyTJ - be warned, there is no happy ending to this one.
The display on my dvd player says “Hello” when I switch it on. I always say “Hello” back with a smile. Then I weep into my lasagne-for-one.
Dear Nigella. I challenge you to make a delicious meal using the contents of my fridge. I eagerly await your response. http://t.co/zaL8C9MO
