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the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him
anything can happen in football, especially sports
*crests a hill* hey dudes
a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads
chef gordon ramsay removes his face from between his wifes legs "this is the worst pussy i have ever tasted. and the rooms a fucking mess"
my bra doesnt match my diaper... fuck it who cares its the weekend
most people dont even know why 69 is funny they just laugh so they dont feel weird. its basically a sex number though, thats why i laugh
for mothers day i got my mom some big sticks she can pretend are swrods when shes rough housin with her mom friends
earth is the greatest planet in the world
some asshole kid just picked up a stick from my lawn and walked off with it. that was my stick pal
nobody can "pwn" me because i have a comeback for everything. say to me youre gay deg and i'll just be like so are you pal
all the other guys wearing hawaiian shirts and ponytails are pieces of shit. not me though, i look good and cool. im the cool one doing this
"i call the turkeys dick" "no its mine! you got it last year"
pipe down boys this turkey has a big huge dick theres plenty for both of you
ahhhh fucked up my nutsack with some powerful magnets
pretty fuckin funny the trolls and internet tough guys go silent after i publish my sword cleaning video
*takes puff from a weed blunt* dude what if like kids keep coming inside w/ dirty shoes? the earth will be gone cuz all the dirts inside now
a cool dad tells you how long something takes in terms of beers
example: "shoveling this driveway oughta be a 3 beer job"
*fans self off with a straw hat*
(southern dame voice) why i do declare i have hiv the virus that causes aids
my new single "im a little crab man (pinchy pinchy pinchy)" will be available on itunes tomorrow
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