There are zombie noises outside my door! Or someone's drunk. I'm not going to investigate it further, so it's definitely a zombie! Eeek!

You'd think with all the people who claim to have been "to Hell and back" that we'd realize Hell isn't a place, but a state of mind.

Saw this duck today. It made me smile. I took a pic so it could make YOU smile! pic.twitter.com/eCaPlytP4X

I wish my horoscope would be a bit more specific. Like, when my boyfriend's going to propose. And when I'm going to have a boyfriend.

I asked my cat if she wanted to play AND SHE WENT AND GOT HER TOY. All I'm saying is: my cat is amazing and way better than yours.

Hey y'all. Paris Hilton is releasing an album. So it's like, ANYTHING can happen! (Just as long as you make a sex tape and sell out.)

With the invention of Twitter, when "all's said and done" is getting here at an alarming rate.

Just got a notification that Words With Friends is raising my cap from 20 to 30. Why are they encouraging my habit?

I hate when people post pics of their healthy food. Shut up. You're not really happy. Eat a cheese bagel.

Move over @rickygervais, cats, and Nutella. TED talks are my new obsession.

Some people need to have the retweet option taken away from them.

@rickygervais Do you think God thanked Katy Perry and her fans for all their lovely prayers?

Oh no, London! :(

It's one of those days where the thought of having an afterlife exhausts me. When exactly are we supposed to get any rest?

It's the moments when I feel like my cats are a little too much to handle that I think: remember this. Remember to not have children.

Last night I had a nightmare involving werewolves, vampires, killer bugs, and scary fairies. I hope tonight is the sequel!

My cat and i are playing fetch. Yes, my cat fetches because she's BRILLIANT. (Your pets are a reflection of yourself, right?)

I think Nutella is unicorn diarrhea.

I'm a recovering narcissist. Sometimes I relapse, but that's okay because I'm so totally awesome!

There's room for everyone at the success table. Some of us will just have better seats than others.