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A day in the life of a wizard:
1. Cast spells.
2. Drink potions.
3. Lather beard.
4. Ride all the dragons.
5. Effortlessly drown in pussy.
*attacks you for having an opinion that completely differs from mine* yes this is totally a rational thing to do
My penis used to do stand-up.
Twitter is one big Breakfast Club.
One man's pickle is another man's relish.
Every man on twitter except for me throws like a girl.
It's getting hot in herrrrrr, so I need to turn down the goddamn heat
Just enlisted in the gravy
Jaden Smith is what you get when you don't call bullshit on Yoko Ono.
Now that I can order pizza online I literally have no reason to speak to another human again.
Some people have way too many rules to be on Twitter.
my parents are atheists so when we watch It's a Wonderful Life they turn it off right as Jimmy Stewart is about to jump off the bridge
Don't panic but they say if you think its cancer it probably is.
My password might be weak BUT you're a website that ranks gum or something so I feel like I can roll the dice here.
Walmart's hair salon doesn't charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
The greatest pork the devil ever pulled
I don't thumb wrestle anymore but that doesn't stop me from sizing up every thumb in a room the instant I walk in. It's just instinct.
now hold on did you say you love "keenen ivory wayans" or "keenan, maynard james"
It's a follow on social media, not "until death do us part." Get a fucking grip.