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  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    That I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

    • 629
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitJiminyKicksItCseashellsVisceralMelCynner777Feral_FelinityCarmel_ColemanPackyLundholm
    • 108
    • RETWEETS
    CVTBabyMorganagram______mattrushingSinewsOfUrHeartwillie_dynamiteAshleySkyykenbreeseandroidqueen
    CVTBabybreeenin__________
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

    • 434
    • FAVS
    yoyohaNickCasaliniDaniel_Watkins_DrTanviMDrBoozenitHamstachickJiminyKicksItVisceralMel
    • 65
    • RETWEETS
    SueLabenski1Billyitc_grizzcrapriciousLucilleEffnBallkellyskellydudu_dadaRichDocekal__
    jackmackenroth
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Netflix Recommendation: If you liked Doctor Who, Torchwood, and Firefly, you might also enjoy crippling social anxiety and dying alone.

    • 412
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitJiminyKicksItVisceralMelElephartCynner777Carmel_ColemanshanetheveinJohnielDan
    • 46
    • RETWEETS
    MnemoSynJonJon_BrownVociferoustomshaggymattiebatslayerChrisWParkerAndyCook_Artistgirininjoo
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Rather than "not funny" I prefer to think of them as "indie" tweets that I release between big budget studio blockbusters.

    • 383
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitJiminyKicksItElephartCynner777TexKas88Carmel_Colemanthevirtualjdtshanethevein
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    haleymbryantcrapriciousMikeSchismrandommusings____CatballouJaisibelFavstar500Favsjillianwalker
    RebeccaLucenteiamnotdiddy
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    My 3-year-old has two speeds: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

    • 347
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitJiminyKicksItCseashellsElephartCynner777Carmel_ColemankristinjeJohnielDan
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    chocolakaiembeeFavstar500Favs_andrewtrinhTimHainescorduroyfavstar1000favs_ado
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Can anyone recommend a good breakfast vodka that pairs well with corporate management training and manslaughter?

    • 310
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitJiminyKicksItCseashellsElephartCynner777Carmel_ColemanJohnielDanrepstos
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    r_wolfcastlekatikatz0_0geniusindisgize__ElangaritsolsenTerminalSingles__WrongedMeTodayrobertkburnham
    ThatsAFakeLaugh__
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Why are these Facebook status updates so much more interesting than usual? Oh, because this isn't Facebook—it's a mattress label. My bad.

    • 289
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartCynner777ShaanananaaaheartlogokellyskellyStarrcastic1Autumn_Suicide
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    Wh1te_L1on________kellyskellylalanativeaem76usweenyaffchocolakai_matilda__uzairghias
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    My fiber optic Internet connection was just installed, so don't bother looking for porn tonight. It's all at my house.

    • 308
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartStarrcastic1duduismAutumn_SuicideCheckUrBackdietredbulljamonthirteen
    • 13
    • RETWEETS
    StephenBCramerelverboFavstar500FavsLillyB116favstar1000favsRaineyRoo22urpriThumbmynose
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    My 3 y/o is pulling Star Wars briefs over a globe and yelling MY UNDERWEAR IS A HAT FOR EARTH! Maybe I jumped the gun on that college fund.

    • 292
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartCynner777Steampunk_SkunkStarrcastic1Autumn_Suicidefuddlemarkjeremys_good
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    Kaollasu78Steampunk_SkunkBoddingtonsLumpycoyotedoyenne__Favstar500FavsBeccaPianoJake_W
    CVTBaby
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    I reported a bug to Apple because my iPhone auto-corrects "fisting" to "dusting." Hope I attached enough photos to clarify the difference.

    • 288
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartCynner777Starrcastic1fuddlemarksnydCheckUrBackjamonthirteen
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    CookiesTheJewhrscrnetPuma_Lion_LigerChrisWParkerBedo76AndyCook_ArtistVelimirSabangirininjoo
    Roadfilm__________
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Watched "Sex and the City 2" with my lady. Because shooting myself in the face with a cannon full of rusty nails would wake the baby.

    • 257
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartCynner777twitsandgigglesStarrcastic1fuddlemarksnydjeremys_good
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    _ludacrystal_FlipmootBer79yorkperrydonbciviltofuterrorist____marianorcbudaloco
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    I can already tell it's going to be another one of those mornings where I'm not rich and famous.

    • 275
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartCynner777Starrcastic1Autumn_Suicidederbyjamesdyl44nsnyd
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    MnemoSyngreigtaylorDeadEyedDoll_Befuddled25______Andiii_R_PerezMillasMrsChic721________EvilRedOne
    vegasthehardway
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Some say Ambien and vodka make strange bedfellows. I say what a lovely pancake time machine, Madame President. Also, why am I a table?

    • 267
    • FAVS
    Corey_RuddDrBoozenitHeyItsMeSaltydugornotNicholas_B_RyanSheenBean_ElephartStarrcastic1
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    MariusStefi247DavhoPldalCookiesTheJewpiranicalNoSpankYouImaFlyontheWallThaRizzy__________Fellbee
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Office Memo: Ladies with the micro skirts and stripper heels, please stop wearing your daddy issues to work. Sincerely, Self-respect.

    • 274
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitllvvzzElephartCynner777Starrcastic1Autumn_Suicidechelsea_elisaDavidsAlterEgo
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    DeadEyedDoll_CookiesTheJewdharkephoenyxbobbyxpinsgirininjooFavstar500FavsJohnchapman2favstar1000favs
    bedheadblonde____
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    How many beers can I slam after work before I pick up my kid without being a bad parent? Please say seven. No wait, nine.

    • 278
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitSPmilkshakeElephartCynner777Starrcastic1snydCheckUrBackjamonthirteen
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    issacharRandomHold________Favstar500FavsJake_Wfavstar1000favsomgelvispoppingrocksSelahWrites
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    My parents just landed. I have 90 minutes to cure cancer, colonize Mars, and star in a hit TV show to fulfill their hopes and dreams. BRB.

    • 277
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartCynner777ryleyksnydjeremys_goodCheckUrBackalehct____________
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    lazygarfielddrawit4me____________Puma_Lion_LigerOneLegSandpiperModern_DinosaurFavstar500FavsPokersoul________favstar1000favs
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    The 186th rule of Fight Club is you bring enough lemon squares for everyone.

    • 258
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitllvvzzElepharttwitsandgigglesStarrcastic1repstosjeremys_goodrobkroese
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    FellbeeValEgurl69________ScottyRockett71ParadoxicalMesonicadamaLadyKatie75dittrichC22M
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Apparently screaming at the side of a parked FedEx truck won't make it give you ice cream. Also, what are the symptoms of heatstroke?

    • 254
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartCynner777Starrcastic1repstossnydDavidsAlterEgoCheckUrBack
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    courtsimoniFellbeeFyreforgedhmm_angeliquepantagrapherRenFalzFavstar500Favspavkah
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    I love you all so much right now because alcohol.

    • 266
    • FAVS
    alexrbrookesDrBoozenitdexter103emmasmitthElephartCynner777Starrcastic1snyd
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    warrenjordon______J_OHHHHHMsSouris__________Burnt_Turkey____Favstar500Favspaperbitschocolakaifavstar1000favs
  • derekasaurus
      derekasaurus @derekasaurus

    Facebook's "Don't Share My Jogging Route With Convicted Rapists" checkbox was harder to find than Narnia.

    • 263
    • FAVS
    DrBoozenitElephartStarrcastic1CheckUrBackjamonthirteenMomfiamatttuffJonJon_Brown
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    Puma_Lion_LigerXatterwhoisrayjuskewitchSirRocketFavstar500Favsa_crezobrandelion________
@derekasaurus

@derekasaurus

Your capricious attention makes me feel less dead inside.