That I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

Netflix Recommendation: If you liked Doctor Who, Torchwood, and Firefly, you might also enjoy crippling social anxiety and dying alone.

Rather than "not funny" I prefer to think of them as "indie" tweets that I release between big budget studio blockbusters.

My 3-year-old has two speeds: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME and FACE PLANT.

Can anyone recommend a good breakfast vodka that pairs well with corporate management training and manslaughter?

Why are these Facebook status updates so much more interesting than usual? Oh, because this isn't Facebook—it's a mattress label. My bad.

My fiber optic Internet connection was just installed, so don't bother looking for porn tonight. It's all at my house.

My 3 y/o is pulling Star Wars briefs over a globe and yelling MY UNDERWEAR IS A HAT FOR EARTH! Maybe I jumped the gun on that college fund.

I reported a bug to Apple because my iPhone auto-corrects "fisting" to "dusting." Hope I attached enough photos to clarify the difference.

Watched "Sex and the City 2" with my lady. Because shooting myself in the face with a cannon full of rusty nails would wake the baby.

I can already tell it's going to be another one of those mornings where I'm not rich and famous.

Some say Ambien and vodka make strange bedfellows. I say what a lovely pancake time machine, Madame President. Also, why am I a table?

Office Memo: Ladies with the micro skirts and stripper heels, please stop wearing your daddy issues to work. Sincerely, Self-respect.

How many beers can I slam after work before I pick up my kid without being a bad parent? Please say seven. No wait, nine.

My parents just landed. I have 90 minutes to cure cancer, colonize Mars, and star in a hit TV show to fulfill their hopes and dreams. BRB.

The 186th rule of Fight Club is you bring enough lemon squares for everyone.

Apparently screaming at the side of a parked FedEx truck won't make it give you ice cream. Also, what are the symptoms of heatstroke?

Facebook's "Don't Share My Jogging Route With Convicted Rapists" checkbox was harder to find than Narnia.

I love you all so much right now because alcohol.