Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Life is pretty awesome. If you stop, get stoned & think about it.
My first 2 picks for my Fantasy Football Draft were Forrest Gump & Rudy.
Keep your chin up, Mother Earth. It's mostly water weight.
Sex with me is referred to as Hammer Time because it only last three & a half minutes & then haunts you for 20 years.
Watching the election on FoxNews. So I can see the look on their faces change when the results come in.
Goodnight gummy bears.
I was so neglected as a child that I still get jealous of people considered "a person of interest" in a murder investigation.
I'll enjoy looking back with my grandkids, recalling all the great Tweets I came up with while I was neglecting my kids.
10:51 is the new 4:20.
Fortunately, the only joint pain I've ever experienced is when the roach burns my fingers.
I let my 7 yr old daughter watch an episode of Breaking Bad & when it was over I said "....and that's how science works!"
I smoke so much weed the voices in my head have formed a reggae band.
"Oh, damn! He drives a PT Cruiser!" - no woman, ever
It's NOT called a porky-pine.
I've only been able to ride in a limo when someone dies.
I guess what I'm saying is: I really want to ride in a limo again.
I'm only nice to Canadians because I might need a place to stay when the next World War begins.
Got busted playing tooth fairy. Didn't want to break her heart so I told her I was stealing from her to support my crystal meth addiction.
I have a sex tape. But it's an audio tape. And I'm alone.
When someone asks what my wife does, I stare at them blankly & reply "She gets mad at me a lot" & then I turn around & watch the sun.
Kinda hoping the puppets rise up & destroy Jeff Dunham.