“@uberfacts: Shaving your pubic hair increases the chance of you acquiring an STI.” ...because if you have a jumbo bush no one will F you.

Texting a friend "Are we cool?" out of nowhere will surely fuck with their brains for bit.

Fuck you, WIPE OUT, your show sucks.

MXC 4 LIFE.

My heart goes out to everyone that died before Chipotle.

Yo, when the lights went out during the Super Bowl, I was like, what's next? Is Bane gonna come out...? #first

Shout out to whoever just left a dildo and anal lubrication on my whip's windshield.

Women's beach volleyball is pretty hardcore. But also solid softcore.

It gets wetter. pic.twitter.com/C5i73kQF

@danieltosh You made it. Sincere congrats. http://t.co/Vmkt7FVB

Elderly twins are the closest thing we have to unicorns.

Obviously 11y/o me shoulda been in Hunger Games... pic.twitter.com/nxUSdaVA

When will an athlete doing a post race interview say, "I swam fast without a god helping me." ??? #Olympics

Pretty sure I should open a nail salon for dudes called Manly Pedi. Pretty sure.

If you still think Lebron shouldn't have left Cleveland, you've probably never been to Miami and possibly never left Cleveland.

Part of me still wants to go buy school supplies once a year. #HowsYourFolderGame

So basically nothings realer then when macaulay culkin died in My Girl.

Aye aye, we back. #workaholics http://t.co/tyDHL2du

Drunk white dudes love touching black dudes they don't know and calling them Brother.

Welcome to my timeline of dumb.

Sweet 16. http://t.co/8FbXqC9h