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Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone's kid, and a headache
Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world &all to yourself? Well, apparently it's called kidnapping
I'm just a girl, standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
Ladies, don't mess with married men. There are plenty of single guys, whose lives you could ruin just as well.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Can any of you read your Chinese food bill? Looks like they charged me for a chicken lo-mein, a python, Africa, and a diet Coke.
I told my boss I'm calling in sick today. He said, "You can't do that when you're already here." Is that true you guys?
One man's trash is another man's "Hmmm...she's kinda cute."
RIP time spent on Twitter.
I told this girl to "Shut up." She said "No, you shut up." I said "No you shut up!" Then the police came and started drawing chalk outlines.
Long distance relationships are great cuz you get to date other people.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you shut up. Five, if you turn on the tv and find the remote.
Vacuumed the carpet, & am now stuck in the corner. Can't move until someone sees the carpet patterns, or this whole thing will be pointless.
The difference between Ambien and Adderall is night and day.
Happiness can be bought. Just got some at my local pharmacy.
Eating spaghetti, with a white shirt on, IS living on the edge.
"I need something new to wear everyday." - Women
"I'll wear it till I start smelling like a hobo." - Men
4 out of 5 psychologists say they get their best case studies from Twitter. The other 1, is busy wishing people happy birthday on Facebook.
Not sure why they groan when I go into Starbucks. I bring my own thermometer, to make sure the temp is right, & leave lots of comment cards.