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Yeah say what you will about my hair, sweetheart, it looks like shit. But I can honestly say your boyfriend wasn't looking at my hair.
Anyone interested in a color printer? If so, head over to my building, I'll be pitching the piece of shit out the window in like 20 seconds.
OMG Note to self: That "chapstick" in your purse is a glue stick. Seriously, how have you made it this far in life?
Cereal, its what's for breakfast, lunch and if you don't stop complaining, dinner.
Its a good night when you come home with your panties in your purse. That is all.
Death is wasted on the wrong people.
If you hold your phone in front of your face to talk and then put it to your ear to hear like a tin can phone, I will stab you.
You've gotta love a bitch that stops in a revolving door to answer her phone and then gets pissed at you cause she got whacked by the door.
This morning, I drank a cup of liquid personality, it was bitter.
Ladies, if you're gonna wear heels, you should make sure you don't sound like a galloping asshole when walking.
If you have a dream about a shark licking you in the mouth, whatever you do, don't wake up or open your eyes. Trust me on this one.
Well if the concrete doesn't work, maybe BP could use bags of money to plug the hole.
4yrs married and I wouldn't change a thing…except for laundry, oh and his snoring…ooh and more diamonds, but that's it, I swear. Oh wait…
Yeah so, I saw a woman in the bathroom blow her nose into her hands. Just add that to my list of things that I cant UNsee.
What?! No, I'm *not* nodding off at my desk, I'm um, head banging…to a ballad.
Dear stall 3, flushing the toilet does not disguise explosive diarrhea. Thought you should know.
There is something so empowering about taking your vitamins with beer.
I wear my angst on my sleeve. Its easier than carrying your head around on a stick.
A: Stop licking me already! Q: What is the most commonly used sentence at my house and never for a good reason?
Yes naked man in the window, I see you. Think for a minute *why* you'd need to jump around to get some attention. That's all I'm sayin.