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  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

    • 794
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtitsStallbigmacherpangieevee_Friday_XIIIMrsJekyllsHydeaotearoacatEagle_Vision
    • 199
    • RETWEETS
    M_DesoBambamVictoriaChloeLeRoy1corvetteflexlemuel254BongoBobDk________nikhimselfh4kimi
    kennyhcomedyvonbunnieWames_Jaters
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Dogs can lick their balls and no one bats an eye lid but when I do it you're all like get the hell away from my dog?

    • 743
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtLightAFunCoolCorey_Rudd_Friday_XIIIMrsJekyllsHydejnblmnopGazelaTweetssocial_btrfly
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    thisisabbydarelMunyuPeterWardHarry95libdogeGhetto_TrophyRadioWecker1933LeighaChantrosePsychicStoner
    the_anastasiaFlirtyNikkaurbanprojectzllvvzzCarolEdie
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    If you love someone set them free. Then send them a text message every hour letting them know you've set them free.

    • 604
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtbigmacherpangieevee_Friday_XIIIMrsJekyllsHydeiNyagah_snezanaleksicKause187
    • 167
    • RETWEETS
    BreakingPoint1SheBeast4lyfStacieMcCloudDonnaFerguson24AnomaliameReynaKatBasmaholicEagle_Vision
    ddscrapCynicalJessFlirtyNikkachristinatheleebintimo
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Tweet like no one is following you.

    • 551
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtpangieevee_Friday_XIIIMrsJekyllsHydejnblmnopiNyagah_Eagle_VisionMilkshakeAnyone__
    • 297
    • RETWEETS
    Incognitah_KingfaparooskiHelenofMiamiVonBrutal________tweet_FavoriswapnapillaisharicopterRedMoloko________
    peteecsvirfnebliiamsaltlakeeTHEgoddess5haelKyle_Lippert
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Find a girl you hate on Facebook. Go through all her summer photos and comment LOL on all the ones of her in a bikini. So fun. Not illegal.

    • 522
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtXGroverXMrsJekyllsHydejnblmnopMmeLaCroozmewritesgoodRowdyPrimateLuciaLizeth
    • 191
    • RETWEETS
    Zigs26ObviousNicholeFubarEngineerCorvnarkansasjohn_junkyardigansaladsporkyaw_beezy
    5haelBDGarp
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    9 out of 10 men want to get into women's pants.

    1 out of 10 gets into their pants, shoes, hats and gloves and does a Gloria Gaynor number.

    • 509
    • FAVS
    FunniestEverli4mst3w4rtbigmacherMrsJekyllsHydeBambamVictoriasaladsporkshkeeberjumpdashark
    • 110
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverSilentSeizurejumpdasharkImiSRyaw_beezyDianaAJoyWTGItsDanikasparkmysparkler
    WordsOfaHookerBDGarpSmethanieAngelaHelgagoldengateblond
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Owning satin sheets and wearing satin pajamas might sound luxurious but when you combine the two, you’ll probably just end up on the floor.

    • 480
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtBambamVictoriajake_likes_napsmrt1mt0shibaGundawindiDriftRobertsDrunkGazelle
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    jumpdasharkJay_GG1____mrsmott1010ChristianJimmykindaouttaluckkElifcelloHumanWranglerhipchkk
    hipchkk
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    I just responded to a 4-day old text with LOL.

    • 462
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtbigmacherjnblmnopBambamVictorianikhimselfDriftRobertsiTomFooleryDrunkGazelle
    • 116
    • RETWEETS
    nikhimselfNaughtyDew_jumpdasharkMu5huFeliciovsdoooriiis______michelle_angusaportforships
    wheatnikCaseyMcCollum
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    I should never read tweets at work because I laugh out loud and everyone asks what’s funny and I have to say this excel spreadsheet.

    • 458
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtMystique1975bigmacheriNyagah_MilkshakeAnyone__TweetingDadGuyBambamVictoriasaladspork
    • 188
    • RETWEETS
    GennaMattacaseforbooksBambamVictoriaLishivajake_likes_napsYogaduchesslanzajr26jumpdashark
    jake_likes_napsTitaniumToplassThatJennGraves
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Unlike the British or Australian spelling for colour/favour/neighbour, the Americans don't include u because it's all about them.

    • 438
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtBambamVictoriamrt1mt0shibaAylinFucks________ronpecabezasDriftRobertszachheltzel
    • 71
    • RETWEETS
    jumpdasharkM_DesoAKATripleDashGoff__________PsilosophyYSoCerius________bakcracker77Davoallstarr
    patricksaleeby____redpawn3LittleHarmonica
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    A little emo kid said "I wear black because I like it. Not because I'm seeking attention." So I gave him a hug and whispered "no one cares".

    • 429
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtBambamVictoriaCpez38nikhimselfSideBurnybets_foshoEarlSimpsonIIDriftRoberts
    • 129
    • RETWEETS
    EarlSimpsonIIjumpdasharkBuddyAckerKcalhoun85CalhounMBmsred1973HallsOfAvalonsydneyaussiefan__
    Tinkerbell_ThatsAFakeLaugh__
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Crossed-eyed girl on the bus staring at me. I think.

    • 420
    • FAVS
    jumpdashark23_LiesmlinhartNeutrontrilogyDashGoff__________KevinDeanGanderBrokenZmileSeanINCypress
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    SlowNotDown______silvang_BKL_____________CoinsforCharonThe_RedSheepdogmarcelitormHautePussycatFavstar500Favs
    GrayWoof
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    I accidentally left FB chat open and someone just tried starting a conversation with me. In a moment of panic I threw my laptop at the wall.

    • 410
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtMystique1975BambamVictoriaPodyTheCirate____YurguisDottirDorkstarsLab______S_VG_Cluaran_Fraoch
    • 96
    • RETWEETS
    nsbrwtttDorkstarsLab______S_VG_SoftFlowers98Cluaran_Fraochjake_likes_napsAcidman25TheGrimKing
    matthewdolkart
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    I hate typos just as much as the next gay.

    • 409
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtBambamVictoriamrt1mkevinhale423______t0shibaronpecabezasCh8rmingDriftRoberts
    • 116
    • RETWEETS
    ferrariIFROSSjumpdasharkWigan_GeorgeiPapi_4G__________23_LiesDicker410Spartacuntitsnottyler______
    MiketheSourcer
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

    • 400
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtXGroverXiNyagah_donelleumaliLosephineTweetingDadGuyBambamVictorianikhimself
    • 159
    • RETWEETS
    sethswaggertyMissFordBambamVictorianikhimselfSideBurnyMakeItADouble1EarlSimpsonIIjumpdashark
    bulls_horns______
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    It's not that I'm antisocial. My phone just happens to be a lot more interesting than the entire human population.

    • 399
    • FAVS
    MichaelSuthli4mst3w4rtXGroverXBambamVictoriaCpez38JackDowleynikhimselfsaladspork
    • 173
    • RETWEETS
    MichaelSuthjumpdasharklittlewingedpigcaptainolyaBellaEllaEHOmeATJustCallMeFrankgreenfrog12
    DJHouseSlippersLJS4247
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I'm gonna stab you.

    • 395
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtbigmacherDineshK007ItsSoTru__________BambamVictoriaHellasPlanitiaJackQuipperBoleyngirly
    • 184
    • RETWEETS
    elef_greenJackQuippersw40ozFredPollackEmThriceJustSolo22funTweetersR0bynAnn
    Sincitytodd______
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    I'm not anti-social. I'm just really pro-me.

    • 392
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtBambamVictoriamrt1mt0shibanavanaxjake_likes_napsDrunkGazellezachheltzel
    • 142
    • RETWEETS
    jumpdasharktrainridesOzmaQ__iAgile5iReematoravelliCognisant_vadakkus
    TrainedHedonist
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    Go into the bathroom and stare at the mirror while saying your twitter username 3 times. I guarantee you that a gullible idiot will appear.

    • 374
    • FAVS
    li4mst3w4rtpangieevee_Friday_XIIIMrsJekyllsHydeVonBrutal________BambamVictoriaCpez38URdreamingnow
    • 482
    • RETWEETS
    Incognitah_MutwirieXAtetweeNymmohnikhimselfQueenDarkside____jumpdasharkNasty_nugget
    emirkr
  • designersays
      designersays @designersays

    I really take my hat off to bald people. But only to show them how beautifully thick and shiny my hair is.

    • 363
    • FAVS
    jumpdashark23_LiesiNusku____________mlinhartEmmanuelHqenayele18__________michelle_angusEZ_G
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    sgtacostajonbitchdotnetciscobuyershan____ShoutingGoddessfarleftcoastStephenBCramerrafaelles________DizzyBumpkin
    Greeblehaus
@designersays

@designersays

When coworkers piss me off, I start sending them very serious work-related emails with a blank subject line. Don't fuck with me.