Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.

Dogs can lick their balls and no one bats an eye lid but when I do it you're all like get the hell away from my dog?

If you love someone set them free. Then send them a text message every hour letting them know you've set them free.

Tweet like no one is following you.

Find a girl you hate on Facebook. Go through all her summer photos and comment LOL on all the ones of her in a bikini. So fun. Not illegal.

9 out of 10 men want to get into women's pants.

1 out of 10 gets into their pants, shoes, hats and gloves and does a Gloria Gaynor number.

Owning satin sheets and wearing satin pajamas might sound luxurious but when you combine the two, you’ll probably just end up on the floor.

I just responded to a 4-day old text with LOL.

I should never read tweets at work because I laugh out loud and everyone asks what’s funny and I have to say this excel spreadsheet.

Unlike the British or Australian spelling for colour/favour/neighbour, the Americans don't include u because it's all about them.

A little emo kid said "I wear black because I like it. Not because I'm seeking attention." So I gave him a hug and whispered "no one cares".

Crossed-eyed girl on the bus staring at me. I think.

I accidentally left FB chat open and someone just tried starting a conversation with me. In a moment of panic I threw my laptop at the wall.

I hate typos just as much as the next gay.

If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.

It's not that I'm antisocial. My phone just happens to be a lot more interesting than the entire human population.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I'm gonna stab you.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just really pro-me.

Go into the bathroom and stare at the mirror while saying your twitter username 3 times. I guarantee you that a gullible idiot will appear.

I really take my hat off to bald people. But only to show them how beautifully thick and shiny my hair is.