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Dear unborn children who will inherit the earth long after I've gone. I just threw a small piece of paper in the non-recycling bin. My bad.
As someone who is OCD I find the idea of a parallel universe very appealing.
I just clicked on a website that appeared on the third page of a google search. They must have been so excited.
I love the snooze button!
**9 minutes later**
I love the snooze button!
Was feeling kind of half asleep scrolling through FB but then someone used three exclamation marks in a status and now I'm wide awake.
Every time I go to the hairdressers and get my hair washed while lying back in the recliner, I feel like I'm being baptized.
Dogs can lick their balls and no one bats an eye lid but when I do it you're all like get the hell away from my dog?
I just scrolled down to the very bottom of my boss's email but couldn't find the unsubscribe button.
I should never read tweets at work because I laugh out loud and everyone asks what’s funny and I have to say this excel spreadsheet.
If you love someone set them free. Then send them a text message every hour letting them know you've set them free.
I love bumping into coworkers in the hallway and having a 2 minute discussion about what day of the week it is and how we feel about this.
Don't forget to hold your breath between posting that status update and waiting for the first Like.
Instagram is down. My dinner is going cold and no one will get to see how amazing it is with a vintage filter.
My recipe for a YUMMY dinner:
• Grab all your vegetables from the fridge
• Chop finely
• Place all ingredients in the bin
• Dial a pizza
Change all your passwords to "incorrect" so if you ever forget your password, you'll get a reminder saying "your password is incorrect".
My birth certificate was the first award I ever received for doing nothing.
Realistic tampon commercials would have the girlfriend yelling at the boyfriend while he looks confused and says "what did I do now?"
It's a relief to call someone and get their voicemail.
I love catching up with friends that I haven't seen for a while so that we can all sit around together doing shit on our phones.
If you took your intestines and laid it out on the floor in a straight line to see how long it was, you would die.
When coworkers piss me off, I start sending them very serious work-related emails with a blank subject line. Don't fuck with me.
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