I really hate that feature of the iPhone that still allows people to call me.

Instead of #FF we need #WTF to call out people who have tens of thousands of followers but have really shitty tweets and even shittier RTs.

The thing about having a busy job and maintaining a twitter account is knowing I'm up against the unemployed who also have Twitter accounts.

If your tampon string is visible and I tug on it, will your legs and arms flap up and down repeatedly like a puppet?

My sexual preference is yes.

Twitter needs a permanent link on the sidebar which takes you straight to Urban Dictionary.

There's a fine line between Charlie Sheen and a mirrored surface.

People commit suicide like there's no tomorrow.

I'm ignoring you. But not right now. I mean, not while I'm telling you I'm ignoring you. I really mean I'm going to ignore you after this.

You followed someone because you enjoyed their tweets but then unfollowed them when they didn't follow you back because, you know, your ego.

My god you lot are a vocal bunch. Favstar is down WAAA! You unfollowed me WAAA! Someone stole a tweet WAAA! Can't make the leaderboard WAAA!

During my time away from here I found this place called 'outside' where strangers come up to you just because you looked their way. Freaks.

I follow too many good looking people with shitty tweets.

I replaced my television with a wall mirror and just sat here for the last 30 minutes watching the most boring reality TV show ever.

Can you guys please stop saying "Welcome new followers...".

Everybody knows the best welcome of all would be to follow them back.

Hey all you guys who post tweets apologizing for being away from Twitter - NOBODY NOTICES.

Whenever somebody tells me a knock-knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend that I'm not home until they leave.

You're never drinking alone when you have the internet.

If you're hitting on me in a bar and I'm not sucking in my tummy, it's a pretty good sign that I'm not interested.

Always a good idea to walk slowly on the beach while the waves lap at your feet. You never know when someone might be filming a music video.